He grabs me by the chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “It has nothing to do with what happened between us. As far as I am concerned, that was a mistake. We never should have kissed.”
I attempt to squirm away, but it’s halfhearted. I try not to look at him, but he still holds me by the chin. There are still gold flecks in his green eyes.
“Is that why you left?” I say, trying to smooth out my voice. “Because of… that?”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t just that, Bear.” He lets go of me and takes a step back. “There were a lot of things that were going on, and I didn’t know what else to do.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading. “You have to believe me when I say that if I could go back and do things differently, I would.”
“Three years,” I retort.
His jaw tightens. “I know. You don’t have to remind me. It’s just that,” he starts but then stops, appearing to think over what to say next. “I know this is going to sound stupid, but I thought that I was influencing you somehow, and I didn’t think that it was fair. I didn’t think you needed that on top of everything else. I’m not trying to make excuses, just trying to make you understand.”
“What do you mean, influencing me?”
He grimaces. “Bear, I was just coming out myself. My parents weren’t taking it well and then the whole thing with your mom…. You needed people who were going to be able to be strong for you. I thought I could do that. But then that night happened, and I realized just how really weak I was. You were drunk and hurting and needing a friend, and then we kissed, and I realized I couldn’t be the stronger one. I thought that I was somehow pushing myself onto you, and that it was… I don’t know, Bear. I thought putting distance between us was the best thing to do at the time.” He looks miserable. “Is any of this making sense?” he asks me.
“I’m not gay, Otter. I don’t care if you are, but I’m not.”
He hangs his head. “I know, Bear. I’m okay with that.”
“How long are you staying for?”
He won’t look at me. “I don’t know,” he says. “For now.”
“Why’d you come back?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about that now. Maybe later, okay?”
“Is there even going to be a later, Otter? Or are you just going to sneak away again with your tail between your legs?” It’s a cheap shot and I know it, but I’m still angry and can’t help myself. I want the words to burn.
He winces. “I’ll be sure to tell you.”
“You do that.” I pause, considering. “And just so you know, this doesn’t forgive anything. You’ve got a lot of ground to make up. With Ty, I mean.”
“I know,” he says, finally looking me in the eye.
I walk past him back to the Jeep. The ice cream isn’t as melted as I thought it would be, and I look at my watch and see that we only have a few minutes before Ty would start worrying. I turn to tell Otter to get his ass in gear, but he’s already getting into the car. I glance over at him and see the letter from my wallet is on his seat. I reach and snatch it back before he can sit on it. Knowing he’s watching me curiously, I fold it back up and put it back in its place in my wallet.
“Bear?” he says, the tick-tick-tick of the rain beating in time on the roof.
I stare out the window. Suddenly, I feel very tired. “What?”
“Why’d you keep that?”
“What?”
“You know.”
“The letter you wrote me?”
“Yeah.”
Because it was the only piece of you I had left, I think.
“I don’t know,” I say out loud.
Liar, it whispers.
4.