“When he told me, you know, about everything, the only other thing I remember besides being shocked to hell and back is the look on his face. He didn’t want to tell me what was wrong at first, but it didn’t take me long to figure it out.” He sighs. “He’s broken, Bear, and I don’t know what it’s going to take to fix it. But if it’s strong, if what you’ve said today is true, then you know as well as I do that it has to be fixed. If it can’t be… well, I don’t know. The last twenty-four hours have shown how little I really do know.” He says this last without any anger in his voice. “You mind telling us what the hell happened? It was your mom, wasn’t it?”
And then it spills out of me, her vitriol, her threats to take away what’s mine, the look of victory in her eyes when she knew she had me cornered and that I wasn’t going to fight my way out. My voice is flat, hollow. There’s no anger, no sadness. I’m reciting events that could have happened to someone else. It’s the only way that I can get through it. I get to the part where the Kid is played as a pawn, and I think my voice will catch. I think it will stutter and stop, but I push through. Reliving it again, detached. As I look back at my words and actions from last night, I hate myself for being so weak, hate myself for falling into her trap. I wish I could believe her threats are empty, but I can’t. The small part of me that dreams of the ocean reminds me how easy it would be for her to come back, how easy it would be for her take the Kid away. It swells in me and is once again threatening to take over. I still don’t know if I am strong enough to push it away, to kill it. I had told Creed that it was strong, what I feel for his brother, and that wasn’t a lie. It’s just one side of the war that I am trying to win.
You just walked out on him, it whispers. You sat there and lied to his face and then walked out. What makes you think he will even give you the time of day? You heard Creed: he’s broken, and you broke him. You were strong enough to do that at least, weren’t you?
Ah, sweet words, caressing.
I FINISH the story, the last story I think I want to tell for a while. All I want to do is go home and lay down for a week and worry about everything when I wake up. But I know I can’t, because he will be there when I close my eyes, laughing, grinning, dancing.
I ache.
“What changed, then?” Creed asks. “What makes you want him back now as opposed to the dick move you made last night?”
I try to smile, but I think it comes out more as a grimace. I had been expecting this question ever since I opened my mouth with a request to help me fix the mess I’d made. I’m almost amused that there never seemed to be any question of wanting to get him back, that I most likely should have avoided this whole mess to begin with. The question now arises as to whether or not Otter will take all leave of his senses and even be able to be in the same room as me. But this is beside the point. I’ve hesitated too long and the others are staring at me, waiting for an answer. I try to find the words to say, to express how it means to feel love-smacked, lust-infused, heart like shattered glass. I need them to understand that I am not complete without him. But I think I’ve already said as much as I could on the matter. Maybe I should let Otter say something.
I grab my wallet from my back pocket and pull out the letter that I’ve kept secreted away for twenty months. I don’t need to read it again. I already have it memorized.
I know you were hurt and have every reason to be angry, but just know that there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about you and Ty. Maybe that’s my punishment, knowing you are doing well and knowing I had nothing to do with it. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, for having done so great despite people breaking their promises to you.
It was good to see you, even if it was only for a moment. I am glad I got at least that. I’ve missed you, Pa
pa Bear.
Anna grabs it first. I’d almost forgotten she was even here. It only takes her a moment to read through the words, her face tightening slightly as she reads. She thrusts it to Mrs. Paquinn, who handles the worn paper more gingerly. Anna looks back at me, her mouth set. “When?” she asks. “When did he send this to you?”
For a moment, I almost think of lying. But I don’t. “He left it on my car the Christmas before last when he came home.”
She nods and looks away.
Mrs. Paquinn sniffs. “It sounded like he was saying good-bye.”
Creed finishes and hands it off to the Kid. “It sounded like he was trying to apologize for leaving,” Creed says.
The Kid then speaks up: “No,” he says, looking up from the page. He folds it gently and hands it back to me. He waits until I have put it in its rightful place, and then he says softly: “It’s a love letter. He’s telling Bear he loves him without even saying the words.” The Kid again has seen what most of us could not. I should no longer be surprised when he provides the insight that none of the rest of us have.
“Even then?” Creed asks. “It goes all the way back that far?”
And then Anna stands. Her body is rigid, her fists clenched, eyes wet and angry. I don’t think I have seen her like this before, not even when we broke up. She’s enraged, and I know it’s my fault. I’ve made so many goddamn mistakes. I’ve been selfish. I’ve been a liar, and Anna has been the one hit over the head the most with this. I’d been expecting the worst, and it looks like I’m about to get it. It’s as much as I deserve.
“You stupid bastard!” she cries out. I flinch only slightly when she runs at me and starts beating her hands against my chest. I raise my hands to defend myself, but Creed has already pulled her away, and I see with some sick amusement that the Kid has pushed himself between me and her and is trying to guard me with his little body. “How dare you!” she shrieks and tries to break from Creed’s hold. “You motherfucker!” She turns into Creed’s shoulder and sobs. The Kid is tense before me. I reach down and put my hand on his shoulder, wishing it didn’t have to be this way.
A few minutes later, Anna regains some composure as Creed whispers in her ear and turns to me again, but he has ahold of her and isn’t letting her near me. I think maybe it’s best to let her have her say and have it done with, but, of course, that’s not the way it works out.
“Anna,” the Kid says, jaw clenched. “Bear made mistakes. He already said he did. You have every right to be angry, but if you hit him again, I swear to God I will hit you back. I don’t care if you’re a girl and bigger than me. If you touch him, it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”
You want to know what it feels like to be castrated? Trying having your nine-year-old brother protect you from your ex-girlfriend after you’ve told her you’re in love with a man.
We all stare down at the Kid, whose face is white with anger. Anna turns, and I think she is going to walk out, and I won’t blame if her she does. But she surprises me when she stops. For a moment, I feel the silence is going to crush us all. Then: “Did you ever really care about me at all?”
Creed shakes his head, and his shoulders sag. He looks like he wants to apologize to me for her, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. It’s unrealistic to have expected her to have the same reaction as Creed. She had more to lose, and I can blame no one but myself.
“Of course I did,” I say truthfully. “You have to believe me when I say that. I still do.”
She spins around, eyes flashing. “I don’t know what to believe from you anymore. I gave you so many opportunities, so many chances to just tell me the truth.”
I cock my head at her. “You knew, didn’t you?” It’s out before I can stop myself.
Her hair flips angrily as she nods. “I knew… something. I didn’t want to believe it. But you can’t be as close as you and I were without seeing it. How you were around him. How, even when you were at your angriest, there was still something in your voice when you talked about him. I told myself I was just seeing things, that I was just—”