And it goes a little something like this:
One day, a very long time ago, I came home and found a letter from our mom that said she was leaving. I was angry and sad and scared all at the same time. I didn’t know that it was possible to feel that much emotion all at the same time. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going insane. I thought about doing what she did, and packing up and leaving a note and disappearing because any of those would have been easier than what was expected of me to do. I think most people wouldn’t have blamed me for taking the coward’s way out. But there would have been a few who would’ve had a big fucking problem with that. Those were the few people who stood beside me, allowed me to have my moments to break when the earthquakes got too strong. Those were the few people who were there to put me back together again when I thought I was too broken to fix. They wouldn’t let me get too maudlin, wouldn’t let me curl up in myself and never come back out, even though I wanted to. They saw through all my wannabe hard-ass stubborn bullshit and knew what was best for me. What was best for the Kid.
I don’t know if I’ve ever told you all thank you. I mean, I’ve probably said it before, but you all don’t know how much it meant to us. To know that through the hell that was our lives, there was always one of you there. It’s hard for me to admit when I need help, but you know me to know when I need what I can’t ask for. So thank you, for being our family. Thank you for being the people I want to have in my life. And I ask that you forgive me for the lies I’ve told when I know I’m a better person than that.
You see, there was part of me that was missing. I couldn’t have told you exactly what it was, but it was there. I didn’t recognize it for what it was and let it scab over, but it never completely healed. It never cleared away. It never scarred. Now that I know what it is, it makes this all the more harder because I tore that scab off and cut it open again, rubbing salt on it for good measure. I’m scared that I will never be able to have what I want because of what will get taken from me. I’m prepared to go my whole life to protect what’s mine, but I don’t know how to ask for it back without losing my heart.
He’s what was missing. He came back and I was complete. It took a while to figure that out, and there were times when I thought I never would; but I did, and he was there, waiting for me. So I went with it, going someplace I didn’t think possible. You all have kept me sane, but he kept me safe. I don’t say this to hurt any of you, because it’s not my intention. I just want to be honest with you from now on. I have to, to keep us sane, to keep us safe. Because I learned that maybe, just maybe, I could have something too.
I’ve lied to myself and to all of you. The only thing that I can ask, that I can beg for, is that you see that it was never my intention to hurt any of you, to drive any of you away. I’ve said and done things that I am not proud of, but I think I’ve learned that I can’t keep us away from the world anymore. I need to be able to have a place to call home, and I think I know now that if he’s not there, it will never be home again.
Maybe I could have gone about this a different way. I probably should have. But when your hand is forced and retrospect is a brutal bitch, I guess I don’t really know what I was so scared of. I’ll understand if you hate me, and I’ll hope that one day you can see past that. I don’t expect everything to be like it was, because I know nothing will ever be the same, and I won’t waste time pretending it will be. I need this. I need him. The fight for him is all I’ve ever known, and it’s not a fight I am willing to lose. Not anymore.
Mrs. Paquinn, you’ve been there to make sure the Kid and I didn’t fall. I may not fully understand why, but you gave selflessly, and I will never forget it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say we love you.
Creed, you are my brother. I know I would have lost my way without you. Your first thoughts have always been to make sure Ty and I would never want for anything, even when I was too stupid to ask for it. We love you.
Anna, I don’t know how hard this is for you to be here, but please believe me when I say that I never planned for it to happen. I did feel for you, and I think part of me always will. You are and always will be my sanity. We love you.
Tyson, I may be your brother, but I can guarantee there isn’t a father out there who is more proud of what’s his than I am. You kept me honest. You kept me alive. And believe me when I say that you can take care of me because you have done so your whole life. I love you.
And as for him? Oh God. It always comes back to him, and I think it always will. But I made a mistake, one that I don’t know how to fix.
I need help. I’ve fucked everything up, and I need help.
I stop, my voice hoarse. My vision blurs and my chest burns. The room seems so much brighter than when I started, and I can’t catch my breath. At some point during what had to be the most saccharine and trite speech I’ve ever given, the Kid had wrapped himself around me again and now holds me tight. I hug him back, wanting to close my eyes against him but forcing myself to look at the three opposite of me.
It seems like I made everyone cry again. Goddammit. After today, I am putting an embargo on this gooey feelings shit. Mrs. Paquinn sniffs and smiles warmly at us. Anna is frowning through her tears, and when she catches my eye, she looks away. Creed suddenly stands and moves toward us, practically running. He bends over, and I see the green and gold, faded but
there. There’s a person missing from all of this, I know. He should be here.
“Can I talk now?” Creed asks, voice low.
I nod.
He leans over to the Kid and rubs his hair. “I’m sorry, Ty, for those hurtful words I said. I won’t ever say stuff like that again. I see now why you got so mad at me, but that’s still no excuse. You deserve a better uncle than I am, but if you will let me, I will make sure that I am better from now on.” The Kid turns and launches himself from my lap and into Creed’s waiting arms. He spins the Kid around and around and around. He whispers something into his ear, something I can’t hear, but I know it’s just for them. He pulls back and sets the Kid on his feet. “Can you go sit by Anna for a minute? There’s something I need to say to Papa Bear.” The Kid narrows his eyes, only for a moment, and then looks back at me. I nod, and he turns to Anna’s open arms.
“Stand up, Bear,” Creed orders, his voice hard.
I do.
“I’m pissed off at you,” he growls.
Oh shit.
“How the hell could you have not told me this?” I start to sputter, but he snaps his head side to side. “That question was rhetorical and don’t even think of answering it with rhetoric. You had your turn to talk. Now it’s my turn. You can talk when I’m finished. Clear?”
I nod again.
He smacks me upside the head. “I am your fucking brother, you stupid idiot! How dare you not tell me how you felt about him, about everything that was going on? I thought you at least respected me enough to tell me the goddamn truth!”
“But—”
“Bear!” he barks. “I said no talking!” I go to sit back down, but he grabs me by the arm, and since he outweighs me by a good thirty pounds, moving ceases to be an option. His grip is hard enough to bruise.
“But maybe, just maybe, I can see where you’re coming from, even though I think its bullshit. Maybe, just maybe, I can forgive you for breaking my brother’s heart because God knows you’re breaking mine. Why didn’t you just tell me? Did you think I would hate you? That I would be disgusted by you? If I ever gave you that idea, then I’m fucking sorry.” His voice breaks at that last bit, and I can’t help but be an asshole and think, Oh Jesus, embargo on crying! Embargo all around!
He surprises me then by crushing me into him, knocking the breath out of me, knocking my world off its axis. Just a moment ago, I was planning our escape from Creed’s wrath, but now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know that is, until he whispers in my ear.