“Someone has to keep your ego in check.”
“Dammit, now I forgot what I was saying.”
“You were trying to be cool.”
“Right. Right. I went into the woods as Sam of Wilds, a wizard’s apprentice. And now I have returned as Sam of Dragons, a wizard!” I frowned. “Without the apprentice part, in case that wasn’t clear. Like, full-on wizard now. It’s all Wizard City up in this bitch.”
Someone started to slow-clap in the audience. A few people followed.
“I’m not done. You can’t just slow-clap to start applause before I finish! Gods, do you not understand the etiquette of the slow clap?”
“My bad!”
“Thank you. Okay. So. I’m a wizard. Here to kick some ass and take some names. Spread the word far and wide! Sam of Dragons has returned!” I smiled and waited.
Silence.
“Dude, now is a good time to start that slow clap.”
“Oh, sorry.” He started slow-clapping again. Probably six other people joined in.
“We should go back into the woods,” I muttered.
“We can always—”
Todd burst out of the crowd, stumbling to a stop, feet skidding in the dirt. He fumbled with his spear and almost ending up stabbing himself through the chest. It really was rather adorable when his ears turned a bit pink at the tips.
“Holy jeez,” he said, breathing heavily. “You came back!”
“Uh, yes? Was there any doubt?”
He stared at me incredulously. “Sam, no one knew where you’d gone. Everyone thought you ran away!”
“What? I didn’t run away.” I glared at the crowd. “I went on a quest. To be awesome. And guess what? It worked.”
“It did?” he asked dubiously. “Because you look like the homeless guy who kept coming into my dad’s hotel to urinate in the fountain.”
“Wow. That is not the look I was going for. I don’t know if I think your ears are endearing anymore.”
“Is he hitting on Todd?” Nicole whispered to Crissy. “What would their ship name be? I need to know so I can ship them if they start licking each other.”
Crissy frowned. “Well, I don’t know Todd’s last name, so shipping etiquette says that we have to combine both their first names. So. Sam. Todd. That would be… Sadd. Their ship name is Sadd.”
“That’s depressing,” Courtney said. “I can’t imagine masturbating to Sadd.”
“Courtney!” Lady Tina barked. “Put your slut away right now.”
“Well, it’s true,” Courtney muttered.
“I’ve never even masturbated,” Deirdre cried. “My grandmother told me I would get hair on my palms and I could get stuck in there and die!”
An awkward silence followed while everyone shuffled their feet.
Then, “You have come to save us?” Todd asked, sounding hopeful.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
Todd blinked. “That’s… not as life-affirming as I expected it to be.”