“Uh, newsflash, Sam. No one thinks they are the highest form of humor.”
“Yes, the tree is definitely taking me into the forest. Don’t know why. It would be nice if someone acknowledged me. Is this wind-rape? I feel like this is going to be like wind-rape.”
“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy called out.
“You lied to me?” I screeched at Gary. “All this time I thought I was being humorously sophisticated and you were lying?”
“Tiggy! Thank the gods. This tree is trying to pull me into the Dark Woods. I can’t get loose. Tell Sam to pay attention.”
“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy waved.
“You should see your face right now,” Gary said to me. “You look like a tomato with a hole in it. Because that hole is your mouth. And it’s open. And you’re red. Okay, that wasn’t the best analogy, but it was the best I could come up with and the tree is kidnapping Ryan.” He looked over my shoulder with wide eyes.
“What?” I turned around. Sure enough, the tree was pulling Ryan into the Dark Woods. “What are you doing?” I shouted after him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Seriously?” he snapped. “I’m getting molested by trees and you’re yelling at me?”
“Hmm,” I said with a sniff. “No need to be all sensitive about it. It was just a question.”
“Hey, Sam?” Gary said. “I’m pretty sure the mushrooms around Tiggy and me are moving.”
“They’re what?” I asked. “Are you sure you didn’t just eat them? Gary, I told you that you can’t go around eating whatever mushrooms you see. That’s what happened last time and you were tripping balls for a week. You got into a fight with an imaginary duck named Hector who you said was homophobic.”
“He kept calling me a fruitcake!”
“He wasn’t real and now my mushrooms are moving.” And they were. The fairy ring around my feet was shifting. The mushrooms had uprooted themselves and were hopping toward the forest, keeping the circle perfectly intact. I felt the edge of the circle at my back and tried to press against it to keep the mushrooms in place, but the magic in them (earth and forest and green green green) was overriding my own, pushing it farther and farther down. I pushed my back against the invisible wall behind me. My feet skidded in the dirt. There was no give. The circle never faltered. The mushrooms kept moving into the woods.
“Well, shit,” I said. “I am truly annoyed now.”
“Yeah,” Ryan called from farther in the woods. “So sorry for you. I’m pretty sure this tree is passing me off to another tree that is not as discerning about personal space. I don’t know that I’ve ever been groped by a forest before.”
What made that truly bothersome was the sharp little curl of jealousy I felt at that. Yes, I can freely admit that I was jealous of a tree bad-touching Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.
Gary said, “Doesn’t that happen pretty much wherever you go?”
“I don’t ask for it,” he said back. “People just… touch.”
“Maybe you should ask it to buy you dinner first,” I sniped.
Gary knew me well enough. “Sam, it’s just a tree.”
“Shut up, Gary!”
“No, tree!” Ryan suddenly shouted. “You don’t get to touch that!”
The blood rushed in my ears. I wanted to touch that.
“Thank the gods we got nonsexual mushrooms,” Gary said.
“No bad-touch,” Tiggy said, frowning down at his fairy circle.
“Okay, the next tree isn’t touching my junk yet,” Ryan said.
“We don’t need a play by play,” I said hoarsely.
“You okay, Sam?” Gary asked evilly. “You sound out of breath.”
I tried to call upon my magic to light Gary on fire, but the fairy circle was too strong. Maybe if I was as old as Morgan or had more control than I did, I’d be able to do something about it.