“I am sexy angry. Watch.” I turned the full extent of my wrath on Gary and Tiggy.
They laughed at me.
“Son of a bitch,” I muttered. “Not even a little sexy tingle?”
“No,” Tiggy said. “Not even.”
“You looked like a constipated otter,” Gary said.
“I don’t know how I have any self-esteem left with you two by my side,” I moaned. “It’s why I can never have nice things.”
“I suppose Ryan is a nice thing,” Gary said.
And we were back to the anger. “That fucking princess rock flipper.”
“Yes, dear, he is a princess rock flipper, which is why he was absolutely terrified when he carried you back into the castle. And why he wouldn’t leave your side.”
Terrified? That should not make me feel good. At all. But then, “Well, of course he was. His fiancé had just been kidnapped by a dragon. He was waiting for me to wake up so he could question me. Or, rather, yell at me. Because he’s a cock-sucking roasted pork.”
Gary stared at me.
“What?” For some reason, I put my hands over my chest like he was using unicorn vision to scope out my nipples.
“There is no hope for you,” he finally said. “Like none. My vision is darkening like your overwrought soul. Hey, Tiggy?”
“Gary,” Tiggy said.
“If Sam were a tree, you know what kind of tree he’d be?”
“What kind?”
“A pine. Because of all the pining.”
“Unicorns should never tell jokes,” I told them. They didn’t hear me because Tiggy was laughing too loud.
“Gary funny,” Tiggy said, wiping the tears from his eyes with his big hand. “Gary so funny.”
“Whatever. You all need to get out. I need to finish packing before I go to my meeting this afternoon. We leave tomorrow.”
“Hmm,” Gary said. “Yes. Your meeting. Your secret meeting that you never tell anyone about or where it is or why you go. That meeting.”
“I’m a wizard,” I said. “I’m supposed to have secrets.”
“Apprentice,” Gary reminded me. “And I know everything about you.”
“Lie. And rude. You do not. I am mysterious.”
“Yeah, okay. You’re mysterious just like you get sexy angry.”
“Sometimes, I wonder why I put up with the both of you.”
“Because you love us,” Gary said.
“And we love you,” Tiggy said.
So I said, “Goddammit,” and hugged it out with the both of them, because feelings.
“You sure you want to go out?” Gary said before he left my chambers. “You took a beating. Maybe you should just stay in. It’s not every day you get attacked by a dragon and then get thrown across a field.”