“Just hold on, Tiggy,” I said.
“No, don’t hold on,” Gary said. “I want to see his insides on the outside.”
“So bloodthirsty,” I said in awe.
“I would prefer there to not be any smashing,” Lartin said. “If I’m being totally honest.”
But Tiggy was done with the situation, so he smashed Lartin the Dark Leaf. Multiple times. Into a variety of objects. Like rocks. And cave walls. It wasn’t a very pretty sight. What with the blood and stuff. And the brains.
When the smashing was complete, Tiggy came over and snapped the vermilion roots that bound me and my magic. As soon as the roots fell, I felt a surge of green and gold and yellow flow through me. “So much better,” I muttered.
“Always get caught,” Tiggy grumbled as he tended to the roots at Gary’s feet.
“Now that’s not specifically true. I’ll be honest, though. I’ve grown as a person this time around and will pledge to avoid capture in the future.” That was not the complete truth. I would most likely get captured again. It was sort of my thing.
“Who’s my big strong man,” Gary cooed at Tiggy.
Tiggy blushed. “Me.”
“Yes, you are. I knew you’d come and rescue me. I was like a princess waiting for her hero!”
“So pretty,” Tiggy said, running his big hand gently through Gary’s mane. “My pretty princess.”
“Can we leave the cave now?” I asked. “You guys can flirt later.”
“It’s okay, Tiggy,” Gary said. “Sam’s just dealing with some issues. He recently came to the realization that he’s a twenty-year-old virgin prude.”
“I am not!”
“I told him about Octavio,” Gary said. “Sam couldn’t even say the word sex without stuttering.”
“Sam never gonna find a boyfriend,” Tiggy said. “No one gonna take his flower.”
“Don’t talk about my flower!” I snapped at them as I checked the satchel on Gary’s back. The wormwood was still wrapped safely where I’d left it. So at least this wasn’t a complete loss. “And I don’t need a boyfriend. I am an independent man with priorities. I’m going to be the youngest wizard to pass his apprenticeship, and then I’m going to do great things. Big things!”
“Oh?” Gary said. And he grinned evilly. Evil unicorn smiles are the sign of wicked things about to be said. I hated them. “So I suppose a certain knight doesn’t factor into those priorities whatsoever? Like maybe you want to be the youngest full wizard just to impress him?”
“You shut your whore mouth,” I growled, trying to not sigh dreamily at the thought of bright green eyes and a beautiful smile. And wavy blond hair. Like, the waviest. I wanted to touch it with my face. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“Uh-huh,” Gary said.
“You want mouth full of knight,” Tiggy said. “Knight take your flower and eat it.”
“Tiggy!” I shouted, scandalized.
“Such a prude,” Gary muttered.
“I hate you both. So much.”
And to prove my point, I stormed out of the cave.
But they obviously didn’t believe me, because they followed me.
Like I knew they would. I’m lucky that way, I guess.
CHAPTER 2
Please Don’t Make My Nipples Explode