“And why is that?”
“He said that if I was dumb enough to get caught, then I’d have to figure my own way out.”
“Ah,” Gary said.
Lartin stopped. “Never paid?”
“Not once,” I told him. “Can you let us go now?”
“No!” he snapped. “I am sick of this! You are going to sit there, I am going to tell you my plan, and then I’m going to get so much gold that I won’t be able to carry it all.”
“Then how are you going to move it?” Gary asked.
“Move what?” Lartin looked perplexed.
“You just said you were going to get so much gold that you weren’t going to be able to carry it,” I said. “So how are you going to move it if you can’t carry it?”
“Oh,” Lartin said. “Well, shit.”
“Wow,” Gary said. “If that’s how well you think things through, I can’t wait to hear your plans for world domination. I’m sure they’ll be positively riveting. And well thought-out.”
“Burn,” I said. “You just got so burned. You’ll have scars from all the burn.”
“I’ll buy a cart!” Lartin exclaimed. “And a horse.” Then he went back to being a complete douche. “Or I’ll just keep the unicorn here and he can pull it for me.”
“Oh, bitch, say that to my face, bitch,” Gary snarled. “Come on. I dare you.”
“I wouldn’t say that to his face,” I said. “Even if he dared you.”
But Lartin the Dark Leaf was an idiot. The wizarding clan of the Darks usually were. So it was no surprise when Lartin stepped forward and said, “You’ll pull my cart. Horse.”
That’s when the nine foot half-giant named Tiggy roared and burst into the cave.
“Sam,” he rumbled. “Gary.”
“You’re so dead,” Gary said to Lartin. “You don’t even know. Tiggy! Smash him!”
And since Tiggy loved Gary so, he moved forward to do just that.
“Wait, Tiggy,” I said.
And since Tiggy loved me so, he waited.
Gary looked murderous. “Sam,” he growled. And if you’ve never heard a unicorn growl, let me tell you: it’s delightfully frightening.
“Your angry face is awesome,” I said to him.
He preened. “I’ve been practicing. Watch.” He glared at me, eyes narrowing, teeth bared. “See?”
“I got chills,” I assured him.
“I smash now?” Tiggy asked.
Of course, Lartin tried to mutter off some defensive spell. Little green lights arced around Tiggy before they dissipated.
“You’re not a very good wizard, are you?” I said. “Giant, dude. Their blood is like the antimagic. Come on. You learn that on your first day of wizard training!”
“I smash now.” Tiggy looked very pissed off. He usually was when his two favorite people in the entire world were captured. Come to think of it, maybe it did happen a lot.