“How is the corn kernel firework spell coming along?” Dad asked.
“Great! I think I… and I see what you did there.”
“I did nothing,” Dad said innocently.
“Except lie. You liar. How cool would it be to have corn in the growing season ignite into fireworks to let you know when it’s ready to be picked?”
“Unless the fireworks light the corn on fire,” Mom said.
“And burn down villages,” Dad said.
“And make people homeless and dead,” Gary said.
“You smell good,” Tiggy said to my father.
“Sam of Wilds’s Amazing Firework Corn,” I said. “It’s been capitalized, so now it’s a good idea.”
“It’s like all our wishes for the future have come true,” Dad told Mom. “Remember when you were pregnant with him? I would whisper into your stomach that he would make exploding corn when he grew up.”
Mom leaned in and kissed him gently. “Those were the days.”
Tiggy wrapped them both in a hug. “I love you guys,” he said.
“Get out,” I said. “All of you. I just realized I only have ten minutes until I go on my first date and I need to have a freak-out before I go downstairs.”
They complied immediately. I had trained them well.
“You’ll do fine,” Mom said as she kissed my cheek.
“Don’t tell him about the corn,” Dad said as he hugged me close.
“If he hurt you, I smash him,” Tiggy said, patting my back.
“Have fun on your date with Ryan,” Gary said.
“You bitch,” I said.
Gary leaned in and put his forehead to mine. “I put clothes out for you on the bed,” he said quietly. “Try to have some fun, okay? Don’t freak out too bad. Wake me up when you get home if you need to.”
“I’m going to mess this up,” I groaned.
“Probably. But that’s okay too. I’ll still be here.”
“I love your face,” I told him seriously.
“It’s a pretty good face,” he agreed.
And then I was by myself.
“Well, fuck,” I said as I looked back in the mirror. “You can do this. You got this. You’re golden. It’s just a date. Only a date. A first date. With a man. Who is nice. And being chaperoned by another man. Who is… someone I am not thinking about. Todd. Todd. Todd. I like his ears and his freckles, and he stumbles over his words and it’s awesome. I might want to kiss him. Maybe I will even blow him.” My reflection’s eyes went wide. “Okay, sorry. Sorry. No blow jays. You haven’t practiced yet. Mental note, practice blow jobs. Okay. Good talk. Let’s do this.”
Gary had laid out gray trousers that were soft and worn thin paired with a green tunic that was a little tight across the chest. Trusting my hornless gay unicorn best friend, I just went with it. I quickly dressed and checked out the result in the mirror.
“I am a sex god,” I said in awe. “Well. Kind of. Okay. Not really. And self-esteem is quickly deflating. Feeling sad now.”
There was a knock on my chamber door.
Shit.