“Finding a rosebush to make out with your fiancé?” His tone was gentle, but I’d known Gary a long time. He was not being gentle.
“Gary,” I hissed.
“Completely alone,” Ryan said.
“Is that right? It seems a betrothed knight commander wouldn’t need to be alone.”
“You would think.”
Gary’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t like you.”
“My world is crumbling,” Ryan said.
I might have laughed. Because sass.
Gary wasn’t as amused. “Gary knows how to kill a bitch.”
“You probably should run,” I told Ryan. “When he starts referring to himself in the third person, it usually means he’s about to go into one of his unicorn rages.”
“Unicorn rages?” Ryan asked.
“There’s glitter involved,” I said solemnly. “Glitter and sarcasm. You’ll be emotionally eviscerated. Not physically, because we haven’t gotten his horn back yet. Count your blessings.”
“Don’t think I need it to kick your ass, though!” Gary snarled, prancing backward and forward. Glitter started sprinkling in the air around him, sloughing off from his back and sides. We could never really quite figure out where it came from. Gary had said it was because his insides were so festive. I’d told him that was way lame. “Bring it on, pretty boy! Gary gonna bring the pain.”
“It would probably be more threatening if you weren’t angrily raining glitter,” Ryan said. “It’s hard to be intimidated when you’re so shiny.”
“This is amazing,” I whispered to no one in particular because no one was listening to me.
“Shiny?” Gary said, outraged. “I’ll show you shiny! When I am finished with my emotional onslaught, you won’t even understand the concept of self-esteem, much less how to have it!”
Tiggy said, “This gonna be ugly.”
“You’re adorable,” Ryan said, and he was adorable for using the word adorable. Especially since he sounded like he meant it.
And Gary must have heard it too. Especially since unicorns can tell when someone is lying. “I’ll murder your face and—wait. What?” Gary stopped prancing.
Ryan shrugged. “You’re adorable. With your angry glitter.”
And Gary blushed. His whole face. Never before in the strange and sordid history of our super-best friendship had I ever seen him blush. “Aww,” he said. He scuffed the ground with one hoof. “You just hush, you.” And then he giggled.
“What is even happening right now?” I said.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Gary said. “Ryan is in love with me. We’re going to run away together. Now shoo.” He turned back to Ryan, dismissing me completely. “Now,” he said. “Tell me more about myself.”
“It’s a love for the ages,” Ryan agreed with a small smile.
“You have to hand-feed me grapes,” Gary demanded. “Peeled frozen grapes. I will not accept anything less. I am the light of your life and you shall treat me as such.”
Ryan rubbed a hand along Gary’s nose and I was so pissed off because I wanted him to rub my nose. So I said, “Gary, you whore! He’s getting married!” Like I actually thought Ryan would fuck my unicorn best friend. Right? Right?
I heard the wicked curl in his tone even before I could comprehend Gary’s words, and only then did I realize just how much of a diabolical mastermind my best friend could be. He had planned this. Getting to this point. He was evil.
“Sam,” he said with a glance back at me. “Weren’t you saying something about marching back inside and asking Todd out on a date?”
And the somewhat cheery atmosphere died a quick and painful death.
I cursed Gary in my head. My fingers actually twitched with the beginnings of a banishing spell that could potentially send him to the ends of the known world, but I somehow was able to stop myself. Barely.