We lined up in front of the door in order of our entrance. Gary and Tiggy, then myself, then Morgan, with Randall following up in the rear. Ryan and Justin were being kept in separate rooms on either side of the lobby. Ryan would enter first, followed by the King and Justin.
Gary was whispering something to the Royal Announcer and I knew that it was probably nothing good. I tried to kick him in the ass, but his tail was so curled, I couldn’t seem to find it.
“Tiggy said it looked like he was pooping a snowman,” I whispered to Morgan who covered his mouth to hide the laughter.
Randall smacked us both on the back of our heads.
The Great Doors were pushed all the way open.
A thousand people stood as one, and the throne room fell silent.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called, voice echoing off the stone. He was reading from a card. “Introducing, the most fiercest unicorn in existence, Mrs. Kevin the Dragon, aka, Gary.”
Gary coughed loudly.
The announcer rolled his eyes.
Gary coughed again.
“Gary the Magnificently Beautiful who is universally adored by all and whom everyone aspires to be because he is so amazing,” the announcer said, sounding aggrieved.
“Oh my gods,” I muttered.
“Thank you!” Gary said quite loudly. He began to walk down the plush red carpet toward th
e throne. “Hello,” he said, bowing his head at those standing on either side of the aisle. “Hello there. Hi. Ooh, girl, that hat is to die for. Work it. Hi. Hello. Salutations. Honeybunch, you’re at least fifty, not twenty. Cover up just a little bit more. This is a wedding, for fuck’s sake. Keep it classy. Hello. Hi. Oh goodness. Greetings. Oh my gods. That scarf. Where did you get that scarf? Really? At Medacio’s? The one off Grover Street? You know, I went there once and the service was just terrible. The salesgirl was just rude and I complained and got a twenty percent discount. Gods, what was her name? Leslie? Cochina? Mai Ling Wong? I don’t remember. It’s not important. But I just swore I wouldn’t go back there after—what? Oh. Right. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! Sorry. I tend to forget what I’m doing when I’m talking about scarves. It’s a sickness, I dare say. Hi. Hello. Good afternoon. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello.”
He finally reached the throne.
“Tiggy,” I whispered. “I swear to the gods, you better get next to Gary as quick as you can and not stop. Do you understand me? No stopping to talk to anyone.”
“But Gary said—”
“Tiggy!”
“Tiggy never gets no fun,” Tiggy grumbled.
“We’ll have fun later,” I promised him, though he didn’t seem to believe me.
“Presenting,” the announcer called, reading from another card, “at nine-and-a-half feet tall, weighing in at six hundred forty-seven pounds. He is revered as a giant of impeccable taste and immaculate grooming. He’s—okay, I’m not going to finish this.”
“Say it!” Gary shouted.
The announcer sighed. “He has captured our hearts, filling us with love and joy and we are better off because he exists. Ladies and gentleman. The half-giant, Tiggy.”
Tiggy startled everyone by running as fast as he could, not stopping until he stood next to Gary, who looked slightly alarmed. He turned back toward me and said, “That fast, Sam?”
Everyone looked back at me.
“Yes, Tiggy,” I said, barely resisting the urge to bury my face in my hands. “That was fast.”
“I fast,” Tiggy said. “Sam said fast and I fast. I don’t get fun, but I fast.”
“Sam wouldn’t know what fun meant if it jerked off on his face,” Gary said.
I groaned because did he have to say it so everyone could hear?
The announcer switched to his next card.