She said, “I didn’t.”
“What?” Because what?
“I didn’t know it was the right thing to do.”
“But. You and Dad always….” I trailed off because I didn’t know how to finish. I always thought that what had existed between the two of them was sure and strong, even from the beginning. To find out there was doubt really threw me.
“I was young,” she said, smiling quietly. “So sure I knew more than mamia as to the ways of my heart. And I knew that I’d already given my heart away to your father. That was never in question. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I was his and he was mine.”
“But?”
She shrugged. “But you can never be sure, Sam. No matter how hard you wish something to be so, there’s always going to be risk involved. I knew that if I followed him, I would be cast out from the roma. I would have the man I loved. I would lose my family. Or, I could stay with the roma and never see Joshua again. The choice was easy for me. Even if I didn’t know it was the right one at the time.”
“Now?” I asked.
She looked down at her flowers, fingers grazing along the petals. “Now,” she said. “Now I know it was the right choice. Hindsight can be a wonderful gift, Sam. Or a terrible curse.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “I just…. Mom. I don’t know what to do.”
She reached out and took my hand in hers. She said, “Sam, I—”
I never got to hear what she would have said then, because we were interrupted as Ryan pushed through the low-hanging trees and stumbled into the rear garden. He looked harried, eyes wide, hands shaking. He saw my mother and me and took a step backward. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone would be here. I’m sorry. I’ll just….” He turned, shoulders stiff, back toward the entrance.
“Ryan,” my mother said and he stopped. Took a great breath. And then another. And then another.
She asked, “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” he said, though it wasn’t believable at all.
“You’re not fine,” she said with a frown. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m just tired. It’s been a long few weeks.”
“I can imagine.”
“Why are you here?” I blurted out.
He tensed even further but didn’t turn around. “I needed a place to go,” he said. “To get away. Just for a little while.”
“And you came here,” I said. “Because my mother showed you this place.”
“Yes,” he said.
“Good,” I said. “I hope it helps. Mom, I have to go.”
Now he turned. He said, “You don’t have to leave. You were here first. I can—”
“You need it more than I do,” I said. “It’s fine.”
“Sam,” my mother said. “Are you sure?”
I looked her in the eye and said, “Sometimes, you know what’s right, even when it hurts you the most. Just… keep him calm, okay? He doesn’t have… I don’t know. Sing him a song from mamia.”
She looked to her flowers and nodded.
I stood and went to pass Ryan. Of course, he reached out and grabbed my arm, fingers curling around my bicep. I didn’t look at him. He didn’t look at me. But he held on tight, his body a solid, warm line against mine.
He said, “You don’t have to go.”