“I’M WORRIED,” Randall said a few days later while I worked on my Grimoire in the labs.
And because I hadn’t stopped thinking about a single word he’d said, I freaked.
“I’m going Dark side, aren’t I?” I said, sounding rather breathless at the horror of it. “I’ll have to go live in the Dark Woods and be broody and start to monologue about everything. I’ll try and trap people and then tell them all about my plans, thus giving them the means to stop me with, but I won’t be able to do a thing about it because I won’t have a fuck left to give! I knew this was going to happen! Why, just last night, I thought about taking the last strawberry scone on the plate even though I knew Gary wanted it. I thought to myself just how delicious that scone would be and how I wanted it in my mouth, and even though Gary asked if he could have it, I didn’t care. I didn’t care that my best friend wanted the last strawberry scone because I wanted it myself. I had to forcibly stop myself from taking it and lording it over him. I wanted to rub it in his face that it was my godsdamn scone. And don’t get me started on my other devious plots that I have bouncing around in my head.”
I waited.
Randall didn’t say anything.
I sighed. “You’re supposed to ask me about my other devious plots.”
“I really don’t want to,” he said.
“Randall.”
“Sam. You’re monologuing.”
“Oh. My. Gods. It’s happening! It’s happening. Randall. Randall. You have to kill me. You have to kill me before I lose control and come up with a ridiculous plan for world domination that relies on way too many moving parts and a completely ludicrous deus ex machina twist that makes no sense to the overall arc.”
“So. Like. Your whole life. Basically.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you seriously getting sassy with me right now?”
“I would never call myself sassy, Sam,” he said.
“This is serious!”
“Sam. You’re not turning into a Dark wizard.”
“You just said you were worried!”
“I did. About what you’re going to wear to the wedding.”
“I… you… what?”
“And are you bringing a date? I think you should consider bringing a date.”
“What the fuck—?”
“You are representing the King and Morgan after all. And by extension, me as well. Can’t have you looking alone and slovenly. Why, the rumors alone in the Court would be egregious.”
“Randall!”
“Yes, Sam. You may not be aware, but I am standing right next to you. There is no need to shout.”
“I will turn your nose back into a dick, so help me gods.”
He frowned. “Would that make you feel better? About the whole wedding thing? If it would, I wouldn’t be adverse.”
I gaped at him.
“Just don’t make it so big this time,” he said. “It was hard to officiate the ceremony last time when it kept falling in my mouth.”
“I can honestly say that I wish I’d never heard those words coming from you,” I told him.
“Can you do this?” he asked me seriously.
“Of course I can,” I said. I even almost believed my own words. “I’m Sam of Wilds.”