“Sam,” Gary said gently. “You see, when a dragon loves a unicorn, they have a special hug they do in the forest.”
“And sometimes,” Kevin said, rubbing my back with his claws, “the dragon likes to lick the unicorn’s asshole until he—”
I ran screaming down the road.
The nineteenth day.
“AND A further thing,” I said as we walked down the Old Road. “I don’t even care about him that much, anyway.”
“Uh-huh,” Gary said.
“Right? It’s not like I actually developed real feelings for him or anything. It was just an infatuation that I can so easily get over. It didn’t matter. It was never a thing.”
“Right,” Gary said. “Get over. Like you’ve been saying. For the last three hours.”
“Because I don’t need a man to define me,” I said. “I am a strong, independent wizard. I’ll be my own cornerstone.”
“Don’t need no mens,” Tiggy said.
“Exactly,” I said. “I don’t. I have my boys with me, and we’re going to go on adventures and do cool shit like fight manticores and discover caves and eat disgusting regional delicacies. Because I’m young and hung and full of magic.”
“Sam,” Gary said kindly. “I understand what you’re sayi
ng. I really do. But let me give you some advice from the perspective of someone in a long-term relationship.”
“You’ve been together for five days.”
“And that’s five days longer than you.”
“Hey, buddy,” Kevin said. “Just listen to him, okay? We both just want to make sure you don’t make any rash decisions.”
“I’m not. I’m grown up and every decision I make is the right one because I’m making it based upon all the feelings in my chest and brain.”
“Kids,” Gary said, shaking his head. “They want to grow up so fast.”
“Remember when he was younger?” Kevin said with a warm chuckle. “He was at my keep and kept saying things like, You can’t take any of your stuff that’s obviously important to you because what I say goes and I’m a giant dick-brained motherfucker.”
“I’m pretty sure I never said that,” I told them, but they ignored me. “And we were at your keep two weeks ago!”
“Pretty soon, he’s going to want to go off on his own,” Gary said, sounding upset. “Oh, Kevin. What are we going to do when he’s ready to leave?”
“What is even happening right now?”
“Shhh,” Kevin said to Gary, brushing their snouts together. “It’s okay. You’ve been such a good mother to him. You’ll see. He’ll do good things. And if he doesn’t, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces because that’s what parents do.”
Gary started crying and pushed his face against mine. “You listen to me, okay?” he said, sniffing loudly in my ear. “You follow your heart because one day, it’ll lead you home. You’ve been such a good son.”
“Did you guys get high?” I asked them. “Like, super freaking high?”
Gary began to cry in earnest as Kevin rumbled low and licked the side of my face.
“Tiggy!” I yelled. “Help me! They’ve gone crazy. Save me!”
Tiggy looked conflicted as Gary sobbed in my ear and Kevin stroked his back and murmured soothing things to him. “We sad?” Tiggy asked.
“No—”
“Yes,” Gary wailed. “Sam is growing up and he’s going to move out and have orgies and do drugs and it’ll be all my fault.”