“Like. Berries. Or something.”
“Berries,” I repeated.
“Yes,” Kevin said. “So we can have fruit for breakfast.”
“Berries.”
“Forest berries,” Gary said. “From the forest.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll take the first watch. Don’t take long.”
An hour later, things got gross.
I was lying by the fire listening to Tiggy snore next to me and watching the stars above when I heard it echoing through the trees.
At first, I thought it sounded like a ghost eating feral cats.
And then I thought it might have been monkeys fighting with peeled, wet oranges.
But then I heard, “OOOOH, KEVIN. OH. MY. FUCKING. GODS. HOW LONG IS YOUR TONGUE?”
And I said, “Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”
“OH, MY LOVE, YOU TASTE LIKE THE FINEST AMBROSIA. I WANT TO DRINK YOU DOWN MY THROAT.”
I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
“HOW CAN YOU EVEN BEND LIKE THAT?”
“GARY. GARY. YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AND I WANT TO DO THINGS TO YOUR ANUS.”
“Please make this just be a nightmare,” I whispered. “I’m begging you.”
“YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TO MY ANUS.”
“WHO’S BEEN A BAD UNICORN? HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD UNICORN?”
“Please say no,” I said. “Please say no.”
“YES. YES. I’VE BEEN SUCH A BAD UNICORN.”
“Whyyyyy?” I moaned as I pulled my blanket over my head.
“BAD UNICORNS GET PUNISHED. DID YOU KNOW THAT?”
“YES! YES, I KNEW!”
“YES, WHAT?”
“HUH? YES, WHAT WHAT?”
“NO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES, SIR.”
“OH. WE’RE REALLY GOING THERE?”
“Don’t go there,” I muttered rocking back and forth. “Don’t go there.”
“WELL, YEAH. IF YOU’VE BEEN A BAD UNICORN. THAT’S KIND OF THE RULES.”