They travel the lands on a desperate quest,
To save a love that’s bright and true,
With the sword of knight and the wizard’s best.
Sing with me now, you know what to do!
Ryan and I didn’t sing.
Everyone else did.
Including Tiggy and Gary. Those bastards.
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
And everything you need!
Listen as I sing a verse or six,
Here in this land of sloth and greed!
Our heroes have traveled far and wide.
The wizard was almost gay fairy married.
He’d have been the most beautiful forced bride,
But thankfully, he was saved by Gary.
“You fat sack of crap,” I growled at Gary. “That’s not even close to what happened!”
“Please,” Gary sniffed. “I was there. I have eyes. You would have been lost without me.”
They learned the secret of the dragon’s keep
Hidden deep in valley and made of stone.
And the knight turned a corner, and all maidens weep!
Because what feelings are these that have surely grown?
The tavern erupted into the chorus again while I glared at Gary with the strength of a thousand suns.
“Corners and stones again,” Ryan said. “Sure would be nice if someone would explain to me what’s going on.”
“Yes, Sam,” Gary said. “Wouldn’t that be nice? If someone explained? What was going on?”
“I’m trying to listen to the song,” I insisted.
From there they went to Mama’s den,
And behind closed doors, met with she.
In a house of whores and men,
No one is more fucked than me!
There in the house lives an elf,