“So, Ryan,” he said quite loudly. “I feel like we don’t talk very much.”
I gritted my teeth but continued walking down the road. It was a beautiful day out and I was going to fucking enjoy it. Tiggy was chattering happily at my side about butterflies and bacon, and I was doing my best to pay attention to him.
“That’s because we don’t,” Ryan said.
“Well. I feel like that’s something to be rectified. Since, you know. We’ll be seeing a lot of each other. For the rest of our lives.”
My hands curled into fists.
“That right?” Ryan asked. “How do you figure?”
“Oh. Well. I’m sure we’ll leave no stone unturned to find the Prince. One day soon, you’ll turn a corner and he’ll be there with the dragon. We’ll defeat it and live happily ever after and Sam will be a great wizard and you’ll be… wait. What are you supposed to be again?”
“King Consort,”
Ryan said. He sounded strained for some reason.
“Riiiight,” Gary said. “That was it. I’d forgotten. Forgive me. So.”
“So?”
“We need to become friends. Tell me everything about you. Your hopes. Your dreams.” Gary’s voice dropped. “Your fantasies.”
Tiggy babbled on, “…and that bacon we had one time in castle. Good bacon. Good, good bacon. I….”
“My what now?” Ryan asked.
“Your fantasies, Ryan. We’re having girl talk. If that’s too much for you, I can go first.”
“Please don’t,” Ryan said.
“Okay. We can wait until the campfire later to talk about that. I’ll eat some grass, you can eat your old can of beans, and you can tell me how you like to get tied up and spanked or whatever knight commanders are into.”
I choked and coughed.
“You okay up there, Sam?” Gary called.
“Just fine,” I said without turning around.
THAT NIGHT, by the fire.
“How are those beans?” I heard Gary ask Ryan.
“Dry.”
“Poor baby. So. You ready?”
“For what?”
“Girl talk.”
“Uh.”
“This one time, I got fisted by a large selkie named Honest Frank. His name was a bit of a misnomer because everyone knows selkies lie about everything. That being said, he didn’t lie about punching my asshole.”
“Oh my gods.”
“Right? It was a most eye-opening experience. Your turn.”