CHAPTER 1
The Villain Monologues
“AND NOW, I will tell you of my plans to take over the Kingdom,” the evil wizard and total douchebag Lartin the Dark Leaf said with a cackle.
“Please don’t,” I said. “You really don’t have to.”
Of course he didn’t listen. Villains never do. That’s why they suck. A lot. It didn’t help that my arms and legs were bound with vermilion root. That shit is hardcore. No lie.
“You see, back when I was a child, I always knew that I was different. That I was meant for greater things than what my father had planned for me.” Lartin looked out toward the cave entrance almost wistfully, as if thinking of his childhood days. What a dick. “He always looked down on me with scorn because I never wanted to be an ironsmith. He always said that—”
“Do you think he realizes we don’t care?” Gary asked me. He sounded really bitchy when he said it, but if you were a hornless gay unicorn, you’d be bitchy too. “Like, seriously. Don’t care. At all.”
I shrugged as Lartin looked at us in disbelief. “He has daddy issues.”
“I don’t have daddy issues,” Lartin said, sounding annoyed.
“So that gives him the right to monologue?” Gary snorted. When he did, little pink and purple sparkles shot out his nose. Being a unicorn is awesome like that.
“He’s a villain,” I said. “It’s what they do. They have to broadcast their entire plan when they think they’ve won because no one else will ever listen to them.”
“Lame,” Gary said, glancing at Lartin. “Girl, I really don’t care. Unbind my legs before I scratch your eyes out.”
“You don’t have fingers,” I reminded him. “You can’t scratch anything.”
“He’s lucky I don’t have my horn back yet,” Gary muttered. “There’d be so much goring, it’d be unreal. It’d be like Gore City up in here. These roots are chafing. He should undo them.”
“Are you going to undo them?” I asked Lartin.
“Uh, no?” he said. “You know I captured you and you’re my prisoners, right?
“Did he?” I asked Gary.
“Well, we are tied up,” Gary said. “And not in the fun way.”
“I don’t want to know when you’ve been tied up in the fun way,” I told him.
He rolled his eyes. “Sam, you are such a prude.”
“Guys?” Lartin said. “I have a plan? That I need to tell you about? You need to listen.”
“I am not a prude,” I said to Gary. “Just because I don’t talk about… you know. Sex stuff. That doesn’t make me a prude.”
“Your face just turned red when you stuttered on the word sex,” Gary said. “I almost believed you.”
“I didn’t stutter.”
“You kind of stuttered,” Lartin said. Because he was an asshole who I was totally going to kick in the balls before the day was up. “Can I get back to my story? I really think you’ll appreciate the many facets of my character once you hear it. I’m dynamic and—”
“When were you tied up?” I demanded. “Unicorns aren’t allowed to be whorish. You’re supposed to be all virtuous and pristine!”
“Oh please,” Gary said. “How do you think I was created?”
Huh. “Honestly? I always thought unicorns were made from sunshine and rainbows and good feelings. Like you just appeared one day in a field filled with flowers and a big fat sunbeam falling all around you. And there’d be butterflies or something.” That sounded way pretty. And realistic for unicorn creation.
Gary squinted at me, nostrils flaring. “Seriously? No, you idiot. My parents had hardcore unicorn sex. Like boned for days. They’re very adventurous that way. Up in trees, down by rivers, near graveyards at midnight. There really isn’t anywhere they haven’t spread the love.”
“Oh my goodness,” Lartin whispered. “Is this really happening?”
“Gross,” I said. “That’s just gross.”
“Hey! Unicorn sex is a beautiful thing!”
“Yeah, but that’s your parents you’re talking about. That’s wrong on so many levels. And why haven’t I met them? Or heard about them?”
“They’re touring the Outer Reaches with their swingers group.”
&nbs
p; “Swingers?”
“Yeah. Like partner swapping. Maybe orgies. I don’t know.”
I was horrified, and I’m sure it showed on my face. “Dude! What!”
“Prude,” Gary said.
“I’m not a prude! I just don’t see why we have to talk about sex all the time. Or your parents being in orgies!”