Refusing her when I still want her is proving to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’m doing it for her. I still won’t let her go back to her own bed, though, because she needs me in the night, so I stay awake, watching over her and fighting my own need for her sake. I’ve promised myself that I won’t touch her again, so I guess in my own twisted way, I’m tormenting myself by having her sleep next to me as some sort of penance.
I know more than a little bit about the human psyche, and I’m convinced that when all of this is over, once everything has been said and done and she comes down, she might have some regrets. But most of all, there’s the fact that I still have my own mess to deal with, which she can’t be a part of. That last part has left me restless and slightly confused.
The lure of her, of wanting to be with her into the future, has been troubling my mind to the point where I’ve questioned the decisions I’ve made a time or two. But I always come back to doing what’s right. That doesn’t help with the guilt I feel for letting things go too far with her, and now I find myself in the bind of having to choose between the two major decisions I now face because of my one lax in judgment.
No matter what, I’m going to disappoint someone, Gianna or Ma, and that’s something I never expected to face. It’s most humbling to realize that she’d so easily snuck under my guard when I didn’t think that anyone could. I know, too, that the reason it’s bothering me so much is because of the love I have for her. No one else could’ve brought me to this place of confusion and regret, and she’d done it so effortlessly. Her family’s arrival on Friday night only added fuel to the fire.
DRACO
My son’s mind is now working beyond my comprehension. I find myself wondering these days if he’s ever really been a kid if he’s ever truly enjoyed all that my lifestyle has afforded him like his sisters do. I question this because no one who’s always ten steps ahead can find time for anything else other than plotting and schemes.
The boy worked me into a corner so beautifully that had I not been the man I am, I’d be wary of him. I think I realized the extent of Gabe’s intelligence when Gianna’s grandmother and aunts showed up here. This is when I found out one, that the old lady knew my parents back in the day, and two, that Gabe had found this out when he visited them.
The reason I’m looking at him side-eyed now is because of the conversation that’s going on around me. “So, it’s all been taken care of. Per Gianna’s request, we’ve had the twins added to the list of debutantes for this year’s ball.”
“In France. You’re talking about the ball in France.” I distinctly did not allow my mother to sign the girls up for that particular ball because Paris is just a short five hours away from Sicily, even shorter by jet. I do not want my son that close, something I’m sure he figured out.
“Yes, that’s the one. Didn’t Gabe and Gia tell you? We spoke about it last weekend.”
“No, no one mentioned it.”
“Sorry about that Pop, with everything else that’s been going on, it must’ve slipped my mind.” It wasn’t the words but the look in his eyes that told me he was full of shit. Now I’m sitting here wondering just how much he knows about what I know, and why in the hell am I playing this game of cat and mouse with my son?
“Oh, I guess we can talk about it.”
“What’s there to talk about? It’s already done. The girls will love it.” My mother, the only woman other than my wife who can get me to give up a kidney, has made the decision, it seems, so now I have to do damage control. How the hell do I keep him out of France?
The others carried on with their talk, my daughters highly excited about an unexpected trip to Paris, which means there’s no way for me to nix this thing. While they were talking gowns and sightseeing, I kept an eye on my son, but the boy wasn’t giving anything away. I did notice one thing, though, that gave me a glimmer of hope; it’s the way he looks at Gianna. He has the look of a man who’s making big decisions in his head. I can only hope he makes the right one.
Then again, the way things are going with Fontane and his mess, I might have a more immediate problem on my hands. No one else seems to be aware of the fact that Gabe has been steaming since the day of the fight. In fact, I think the only reason the Victoria girl is still standing is because Gia is the one who went after her this time. But if she’s not careful, she just might come up missing.