She’d felt guilt for a couple days, but she hadn’t felt it strongly, or truly recognized it for what it was until last night. The bond she was developing with Seth, and the time spent with the other fighters, made her realize that shifters or not, regardless of whether they shared their bodies with animals, they were still also just humans. They weren’t research subjects, and shame filled her as she realized that’s just how she viewed and treated them in the beginning.
Letting herself in the house, she sighed as she kicked out of her boots and turned on the oven so she could warm the cookies. She had a feeling that even if her and Seth’s relationship went no further, if she never saw him again after tonight, the changes in her would stick. And she honestly wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She knew how to be a scientist, how to think logically and analytically. She didn’t know how to be a human who felt things.
Putting the cookies in the oven, she thought about how that’s what Seth needed. He deserved a woman who could give him her whole attention, not one whose sole focus was on her career. He deserved a woman who could love him, with her whole heart, not one who had never known love, and wouldn’t know how to show it, even if she felt it.
She shut the oven and then froze as she went over that last thought. Blowing out a breath, she plopped down on a stool at the island, slumping over with her head in her hands. Never had she thought about love and a man in the same sentence until tonight, but everything in her felt like the thought, combined with Seth’s name, was perfectly right.
This wasn’t love, not yet anyway, but she knew down to her bones it would be soon. And it scared her because she didn’t know how to love. She’d never received it, not from her father or anyone else, and she’d never felt it for someone else, either. And this wasn’t something she could learn from a textbook. It was something she could only learn by experiencing it, which was scary in itself. She didn’t embark on anything without the proper research first, but there was no researching this.
Going to her room, she took the letter out of the beside table and stared at it before going back to the kitchen. Her fingers trembled as she traced them over her name on the envelope. This letter gave her all the feels, and she thought that was really why she hadn’t opened it yet. She didn’t want to feel. But Seth was bringing out the emotions in her anyway, so she might as well rip herself wide open, and read the letter.
But maybe not until Seth was here. He was right about her needing some support while she read it. Something else she wasn’t used to. She was normally self-sufficient, and never needed help. But she needed him to brace her up when she read this. And she couldn’t help wondering what the hell was wrong with her, even as she knew the answer. Seth. Seth and love and feeling things. She’d never be the same.
A soft knock sounded on the door before it opened and Seth walked in. Amelia stood up as he closed it behind him, her breath catching as she took him in. He was so damned handsome. She thought maybe he spent the time since she left him running as his animal, because his dark brown hair was more tousled than it was when she left him, and as she walked closer, she saw a blade of grass stuck in it. His chocolate eyes warmed as he took her in, and he brought her in for a kiss before leaning back.
“It smells amazing in here.”
“Oh!” she replied, pulling away and hurrying to the oven to take the cookies out. “I put these in the oven to warm. Want one?”
He walked over and picked one up. Popping it into his mouth, he closed his eyes as he chewed, savoring it. “So good,” he mumbled around the bite.
Smiling in amusement, she asked, “Do you want something to wash it down with?”
“Do you have any milk?” he replied, opening his eyes. She cocked an eyebrow and he laughed. “What? A grown man can’t appreciate a cold glass of milk with his cookies?”
Smiling, she poured him a glass, watching in silence as he ate a few more cookies and drank the milk. When he was finished, he looked at the table where the letter sat, before turning back to her. “Did you read it?”
“Not yet. I was thinking about what you said, and I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I read it while you were here.”
“Of course not,” he said, eyes gentle. “Are you ready to do it now?”
Nodding, she took a deep breath and picked up the letter, willing her hands to stop trembling. She fumbled for a moment trying to get it open, but she finally managed. Pulling it out, she ran her eyes down the letter to the signature.
“It’s from my mum,” she said, glancing up into Seth’s soft brown eyes. He gave her a nod of encouragement, and she took another deep breath and looked at the letter again.
My Dearest Amelia,
If you’re reading this, the cancer won. I fought it as hard as I could, but I’ve known for a while that I would lose. I wish with all my heart that I could be there to watch you grow into the beautiful woman I know you’ll be one day. I wish I could see you go to prom, fall in love, get married. All the things we take for granted, I wish I could be there for. I wish I could be there to give you all the bits of wisdom that my own mother passed down to me. But since I can’t be, I’m giving them to you here.
Live, Mellie. I want you to live every day like it’s your last. We’re never guaranteed tomorrow, and you have to live your life like you’re not. Give this life hell. You’re only two years old now, but I can see the fire you hold inside you. Don’t diminish it or try to put it out. Fan that flame and live.
Don’t take things for granted. Be kind. Be humble. Be brave and fearless. Be you. I worry over this. The world is hard enough to be in, but you, sweet Mellie, have so much of your father in you. He loves fiercely, but he doesn’t allow himself to show it. And I worry how he will act once I’m gone. I worry he’ll sink into himself and not be able to find a way out. If that happens, know that he loves you as much as I do. He might not show it, but he does.
I don’t want you to do as he does. Don’t shut down, don’t become cold and distant. Let your emotions free, because when you hold everything so tightly inside—you’re not living. And I want you to experience everything. I want you to live.
That’s what I want you to do. I know I’ve said it a lot, but I just want you to truly experience life. There’s so much I wish I had done, so much I regret. All of my regrets are for the things I didn’t do, not the things I did. So when you want to do something—don’t hesitate, don’t overthink, don’t talk yourself out of it. Jump, Mellie.
I know your father well, and I have an idea of how he will react when the cancer wins this war we’ve been fighting. So I’m giving this letter, along with some photos, to your Uncle Jerry, to give to you one day when you’re old enough. I want you to know how very much I love you. And I would give anything, absolutely anything, to be there with you right now. But I can’t, so never forget. Live, Mellie.
I love you—Mom
Br
eath hitching, Amelia blinked to clear her eyes of the tears clouding her vision. But once those tears slipped through, she lost it, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Seth gently took the letter she was crushing in her hands and sat it on the table before pulling her into his arms. Wrapping her arms around him, she clutched his shirt in her fists, fighting to control her emotions.
Tightening his arms around her, he said, “Don’t hold it in, baby. Let it out. Let go. I’ve got you.”
His words opened the floodgates further, and she stopped fighting it. She had no idea how long she sobbed into his shirt, but by the time the flow of tears stopped, Seth’s shirt was soaked. As she quieted, she became aware of the hard pectoral underneath her cheek, the sweep of his large hands as he rubbed them up and down her back, and the soft, soothing words he was murmuring. Mostly nonsense, but they comforted her nonetheless.