Her father’s mantra came to mind, trying to rescue her. But for once it didn’t work. Because Tristan was right. She did care what people thought about her.
Slowly she lifted her head and peered up at him. She knew she must look an absolute fright, and was shocked when Tristan pulled the sleeve of his expensive cashmere sweater over his hand and wiped her eyes and nose.
‘That’s gross,’ she grumbled, ducking her head self-consciously.
She felt him shrug. ‘That’s all I had.’
He chuckled, and Lily smiled into the curve of his neck. Being in his arms gave her a sense of security she hadn’t felt since before her parents had died, and although part of her, the self-preservation part, told her to pull away, that she had embarrassed herself enough, that she was better off handling this alone, she couldn’t get her limbs to obey. He was just so big and warm, and his rich scent was extraordinarily comforting.
But none of this is real, she reminded herself glumly.
‘You can let me up now,’ she said quietly, pushing back from him as those disturbing thoughts stole through her mind.
When Tristan made no move to release her completely she looked up at him. ‘I said you can let me go now,’ she repeated, in case he hadn’t heard her.
‘I heard.’ He nodded, but didn’t move.
‘I think…I think I should go to my room and be alone with my misery.’
‘Now, I was always told that misery preferred company,’ Tristan jested.
‘Tristan, please…’ Embarrassment was overriding pain and Lily couldn’t smile at his teasing words. ‘I can’t do this. You were right. I am a coward. I…I need time alone to think.’
Tristan curled his arm around her shoulders, preventing her from pulling further away.
‘Thinking is probably the worst thing you can do right now. And I never said you were a coward.’ He feathered her ponytail through his fingers as if learning its silky texture. ‘You’re one of the bravest people I know. And you’re loyal and warm and smart. You’ve faced false drug allegations with dignity and you have a generous spirit. It’s why people are so drawn to you.’
‘People are drawn to me because of the way I look and because of who my parents were,’ she argued.
He tapped her on the end of her shiny nose and she squirmed. ‘You’re too young to be cynical. And you’re more than the sum of your parts, Lily Wild.’
Lily felt more tears well up at his kind words and buried her face against his shoulder again. ‘You’re a nice person. How come you don’t show that side of yourself more often?’
He tensed momentarily. ‘I already told you I’m not nice,’ he said, his voice gruff. ‘I’m just saying all this to make you feel better.’
‘Oh.’ Lily laughed as she was meant to. But he didn’t fool her. He was nice. Too nice.
She shifted off his lap so she was sitting beside him, wanting to tell him what was going through her mind even though she’d revealed more about herself tonight than she had to anyone else.
‘You were right before,’ she began haltingly. ‘I have used my past as a type of shield.’
‘That’s perfectly understandable, given your experiences.’
Lily paused. ‘Maybe. But it’s also helped me avoid recognising things like…like the fact that for years I’ve been so ashamed of who my parents were and how they died that I hated them. And I’ve let their destructive love for each other cloud the way I relate to people. You see, my mother kept diaries for years. Basically she and Johnny would binge on each other and then he’d go off with his groupies and my mother would cry and rail and swear off him—until he came back and the whole cycle would start over again.’
Tristan was quiet, and Lily’s fingers absently pleated the soft wool of his sweater as she leaned against him and soaked up his strength and sureness.
‘That sounds like the problem was less about how they felt about each other and more about how they felt about themselves.’
‘What do you mean?’ she queried, leaning back a little to look up at him, her eyes drinking in the patrician beauty of his face in the soft light.
He shrugged. ‘I’m guessing Johnny Wild loved himself a little too much and your mother didn’t love herself nearly enough.’
Lily digested his words and then blew out a noisy breath. ‘Of course. Why did I never see that?’
‘Too close to the trees, perhaps?’
She shook her head. ‘You’re really smart—you know that?’