If he reached for it, he could find his glue.
“That’s not true,” she whispered, obviously stricken. “That can’t be true. I’m finally figuring out some things too. And the way that I need to heal from the scars that I carry around is to leave. With you. That’s what this is all about.”
“That’s not what this is about. I have to stay.”
“I have to leave.”
They stared at each other, neither flinching. Until they both did. He shook his head, his own confusion marring the moment. “What scars? Where is this coming from?”
“From feeling like I’ve been left behind for the last eight years. Isaiah.” Her warm hand covered his and he clung to it desperately, lacing their fingers together tight. It didn’t fix the sensation that everything was sliding away, nor did it halt the momentum. “I need to stop feeling like I don’t have any control over my own fate. Like I’m just waiting around for the next person to leave. I can’t do it anymore. I have to be the one to leave. I thought—well, obviously I thought wrong. But it doesn’t change that you loving me gives me the courage to do what I should have done a long time ago.”
The sincerity and genuine pain radiating from her gaze sliced through him as he finally internalized what she was telling him. She was leaving. And he couldn’t follow her.
Oh, sure, he could. He could do lots of things. Except tear himself away from this community that he’d somehow become a part of, one where he had people—more than one—who understood what it felt like to fight for freedom in a world that didn’t want you to succeed. Who knew what it felt like to come home not quite whole.
That’s why he’d resisted leaving for so long. Why he couldn’t lay it on the line with Hardy and tell him he was on his way out the door.
He had a new purpose in Superstition Springs, a place to heal, a place to thrive. Be productive as he fought for something different but no less important—himself. The springs had worked their magic after all. And he didn’t think he’d find that anywhere else. Not right now. Maybe later, after he’d sorted through everything enough that breathing became natural and easy again.
“So somehow we’ve gotten to the point where we can be in love but to become better people, we have to do it apart. How does that make any sense?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” Misery flooded her expression. “But I don’t see a way around it.”
It was a paradox of the worst kind. The gift of the Magi gone horribly wrong. “Can I ask you to stay? Would that make a difference?”
Her lips lifted in a brief, completely unamused smile. “You don’t want to be the one who holds me here when the reasons I have to go are the same reasons you have to stay. Right?”
“Someone really stupid must have said that,” he muttered. Trust her to use his own words against him. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t know that you are.” Her thumb caressed his knuckle and her warmth breeched his skin to spread. “I’m not going to stop being in love with you.”
Fat lot of good that did him. “Yeah, but I want you here. Where I can…do things.”
So many things. The sheer number of things he hadn’t done yet with her and wanted to paraded through his head. Only a few of them involved closed doors. That hurt maybe the most, not being able to treat her to the romantic encounter she deserved for her first time.
He had the sudden, compelling urge to tell her that. To spill out all the things in his heart in an effort to sway her. They were all right there on the tip of his tongue. Stuff he should have said already, arguments to the contrary. Bargains. Maybe he could go with her for just a week and then come back.
But he didn’t say any of that. For the first time, despite knowing influence and motivation were his best skills, he bit it back. He couldn’t use words to convince her to stay. That wouldn’t be fair. To either of them. She’d made up her mind to go, same as he’d put his own stake in the ground.
He let go. “I’ll be here.”
And then he watched her walk away for what he expected would be the last time.
Eighteen
Havana took Aria to the tiny bus station in La Grange. In a rare feat, her sister drove Caleb’s SUV the entire way without saying a word, and of course it was the one time Aria would have preferred some chatter. How was she supposed to forget the devastation on Isaiah’s face during that last conversation if she didn’t have something to distract her?
It was only at the curb that Havana finally exhibited an ounce of mercy and broke her silence. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Aria nodded. That was the hope. Of course, the huge hole in her chest felt more like she’d lost everything. But that would fade in time. Time she fully planned to give herself. This wasn’t a lark or something designed to prove a point. The pain just made it all the more critical to figure out why she couldn’t accept that Isaiah meant it when he said he would stay in Superstition Springs.
Because that was the bottom line. She couldn’t stand around and wait for him to leave her. It didn’t matter how many pretty promises he made—everyone abandoned her eventually.
And it was on her to become someone that people didn’t leave. That could only be accomplished by taking action. By being brave. This journey was the scariest thing she’d ever done. Sure she’d have liked nothing more than to have someone right next to her, holding her hand. Isaiah specifically. But he’d refused to come with her, which honestly was for the best.
She just didn’t like it.
“Do you have enough money?” Havana asked as Aria stuck her hand out to open the door.