Inside, the memorial was filled with navy officers and personnel dressed for the most formal of occasions. As Paige was the only family there for the ceremony, there was only one row of chairs set up. They were led there and seated in front of the massive memorial wall. From floor to ceiling, the names of all the men who died the day the USS Arizona was bombed by the Japanese were etched into marble.
In front of the monument were two large rectangles made from the same marble. On it were the names of the sailors who had returned to the Arizona to be interred, like her grandfather would be. The stone memorials were draped with purple and white orchid leis. The names were fewer, but just as impactful to Paige. Twenty, forty, sixty years later...these men never forgot that day or the brothers they lost. They all chose to return to be with them in the end. Including her grandfather. His name was the latest to be etched into the stone. She was certain he was one of the last survivors remaining.
Seeing all those names at once brought a tear to Paige’s eye. She tried to hold it in. Not because she was embarrassed to cry—it was her grandfather’s funeral, after all—but because once she started, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be able to stop.
She’d already cried her tears for Papa. She cried most of those while he was still alive and clinging to existence no matter how miserably his heart was failing him. No, today she was mourning something different.
The loss of love.
Paige could already feel it slipping away. She was the only one to blame for her situation, but it didn’t make it any less painful. Could Mano not understand how hard it was for her to say no to him? It was agonizing. It broke her heart to do it. Of course she wanted to stay. She could easily come up with some extended fantasy about what their life could be like together if she just threw caution to the wind and never returned home.
But that wasn’t reality. If nothing else, Paige prided herself on being practical. Nothing about that scenario was practical. Especially the part where she expected Mano to raise her child as his own.
She couldn’t ask that of him. Even as much as she loved him. Maybe because of how much she loved him. Paige wanted him to have a family of his own. It would happen for him, she just knew it, if he would open up to the possibilities. It was that, more than his disability, that was holding him back. He didn’t believe his happiness was possible, so it wasn’t.
Paige supposed she was just as guilty of sabotaging herself. Because she thought she was unattractive, she assumed that was what people saw. It was a cycle that fed on itself. Mano had helped to disrupt that, convincing her to feel better about herself and what she had to offer. Perhaps if she felt that way on the inside, she would attract more positivity in her life.
Not love. Just positivity. She didn’t have room in her future or her heart to love anyone but the baby. Paige knew that as hard as it had been to cope with what had happened with Wyatt, it would be nothing compared to losing Mano. She didn’t love Wyatt the way she loved Mano. It would take a long time for her to heal and let someone else in.
She didn’t know what that call today from Wyatt was about. He hadn’t spoken two words to her since he’d run off with Piper. She got the feeling he was sniffing around for something. Had her sister broken up with him and he was looking to come back? Fat chance. She might be naive, but she wasn’t stupid. Whatever he wanted from her was irrelevant, really. She would meet with him, tell him about the baby and ask what kind of arrangements he wanted to make. That was it. Even if he declared his love for her, she wouldn’t bite. She knew what real love felt like now, and it wasn’t what he was offering.
The ceremony started with the chaplain reading scripture. Her grandfather’s urn was placed on a table draped with the American flag. Mano took her hand for support, but she could feel the strained energy radiating off him like a wave. He hadn’t been the same since their discussion this morning. She had rejected him before he could reject her, so she supposed he had a right to feel unhappy about it. One day he would understand why she had to do it.
The admiral in charge of the base stepped up to speak. It was an amazing honor to have such a high-ranking officer at her grandfather’s service, but it was such a rare and important occasion that many officers in the navy wanted to attend. He spoke about the bombing and the soldiers like her grandfather who survived. He thanked Paige for his service to the country and for his dedication to his fallen brothers.
Two uniformed navy men picked up her grandfather’s urn from the table and carried it to the window of the memorial where it was handed over to a dive team. Paige watched as the diver secured the urn, then slipped beneath the oil-slicked waters
to the belly of the ship. All the navy officers silently saluted as he was interred.
“Unto Almighty God,” the chaplain continued, “we commend the soul of our brother departed, and we commit his body to the deep; in sure and certain hope of the resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Amen.”
He continued with the benediction. When that was finished, the firing squad fired three volleys and the bugler played “Taps.” The loud noise was a startling contrast to the rest of the ceremony. The vibration of the shots threatened to shatter what was left of her nerves.
By the time the flag was folded and presented to her, Paige feared a breakdown was coming. They were escorted out of the memorial and took the boat back to the shore. There, they got back into the hotel town car that had brought them to the service.
The farther she got from Papa and his final resting place, the more alone she began to feel. He was the one who understood her. He encouraged her, supported her, when the rest of her family didn’t understand their awkward youngest daughter. Without Papa and without Mano, who would she have now? It would be just her and the baby, together against the world. Would that be enough? She supposed it would have to be.
As the car returned to the highway toward Waikiki, Paige was unnerved by how quiet it was. Mano hadn’t spoken since they’d left for the service. He was a good enough man to stand by her through the memorial, but she could feel him pulling further away by the minute. Part of her had known this moment would come, but now that it was happening, it hurt more than she expected. It was almost as though she could feel him physically ripping away from her, leaving a gaping hole in his absence. She thought that trying to take a step back sooner would ease the pain, but it didn’t. It only made her wish she’d clung more tightly while she had the chance.
“Thank you for going with me today,” she said quietly. Paige clutched the flag in her arms and held it fiercely in lieu of the man she loved.
“You’re welcome. It was my honor to join in on the ceremony to honor a sailor from such a historically important event.” The words were stiff, almost practiced like a campaign speech.
“I can’t imagine having to sit through that by myself. It was much easier having you there with me.”
He didn’t turn to look at her. With his dark glasses on, he simply stared ahead through the windshield. “No one should have to. I don’t understand why the rest of your family didn’t fly out here for this.”
“My grandfather didn’t want them to. He wanted a memorial ceremony in California for everyone to attend, but this service to be more private.”
“Private is immediate family. This is beyond private. I have to say you have an odd family. At least compared to my own. If one of ours dies, you’re not keeping the others away unless you rise up from the grave and drive them off.”
“You’re lucky.”
Paige imagined that the upcoming months with her family would be difficult. Her parents wouldn’t be thrilled about her unplanned pregnancy, especially when they realized their other daughter was dating the baby’s father. While a landscaper might be as good as Paige could do, they’d certainly disapprove of Piper lowering her standards.
She didn’t expect a big baby shower or a large showing of people to help her plan and prepare. Brandy would be there, of course. She had no doubt her friend would help her celebrate, but it wouldn’t be like it would if she had a family like Mano’s. The way he spoke about them, she imagined being smothered by their excitement over the baby. Would there be traditional Hawaiian music at their shower? Would they bury a whole pig wrapped in banana leaves in the backyard to roast over hot coals? Would his grandparents fawn over her rounded belly and bless the baby with a traditional Hawaiian name?
For the first time, she allowed herself to wish that Mano was the baby’s father instead of Wyatt. That would make everything simpler. Then she wouldn’t have to ask Mano to raise another man’s child. She wouldn’t feel guilty about staying on Oahu to be with him. There was also the fact that she loved Mano. Loving the baby’s father was a critical element that she was missing from her reality. She didn’t just not love Wyatt, she despised him. That wasn’t the way it should be.