Something about being here with him at his private retreat made it all too real. Spending the night together for the first time since they had dated as kids should’ve felt like an important milestone. They’d spent weeks taking long lunches together and avoiding any serious type of intimacy while they built the houses for her charity families. That was the way she had wanted it. That was the way she thought he wanted it, too. That was the smart thing to do. It wouldn’t be long before they would be done building and she would return to DC. It was no time to fancy any type of real emotions where River and their future together was concerned.
But now, lying here, she was conflicted, not comforted, by his warmth beside her.
Maybe she liked it too much. Everything about being with River felt right, just like it had back in college. She could very easily let herself get lost in the fantasy of being with him. As though this were something real instead of a casual summer fling. Deep down, she wanted it to be real. But she knew that was a dangerous idea. If she gave in to that dream, it would crush her just as badly as the first time she’d given in to her feelings for him.
That was because even with River beside her, his hand resting on her pillowcase, she could feel him slipping through her fingers. In some ways, he was already lost to her. The sooner she accepted that, the better.
The key ceremony was right around the corner. There was exactly two weeks until the event and if she intended for her relationship with River to continue beyond their agreed deadline the way she wanted it to, she had to take action.
Morgan had to tell River about their daughter.
The truth was like a dark cloud looming overhead. Anytime she thought she might see the sun, the clouds would roll in and remind her she was keeping the truth from him.
Talking about Dawn had never been easy. Perhaps because she’d never really gotten to talk about her. When the whole family either didn’t know or was acting as though nothing had happened, you didn’t have anyone to confide in.
Now that she needed to say something, she found she couldn’t. She’d wanted to. Just hours before when she realized the truth about the money that River had been given, it had almost spilled out. In that moment, all she could think about was that she’d kept the truth from River all that time—hidden the pregnancy and everything that happened afterward—because of lies her father had told her.
Now she couldn’t stop thinking about how things could’ve ended differently. The complications of the pregnancy might not have been avoided, but if she’d had River at her side as they went through the ups and downs of it, everything would’ve been different. She would’ve had her husband there to hold her hand and cry with her. He would’ve fought to have Dawn buried in a real graveyard where people would be able to see her tombstone and know she existed. Even the baby’s name would’ve been different—Dawn Mackenzie Atkinson. Not Steele. Even though their marriage had been wiped from history, the baby would’ve had his name.
Telling him the truth back then would’ve been so much easier. Even with the animosity from her parents, telling River would’ve been the right thing to do. But telling him now? Somehow, it seemed like the one thing she had to do to make their relationship work was the one thing guaranteed to destroy it.
With a sigh, she rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. The slanted roof had a skylight that gave her views of the night sky you couldn’t get back in town with the light pollution there. She hoped for a shooting star to whiz by as she watched. Maybe then she could make a wish, and wish that all of this would work out at last with the man she loved.
Morgan cringed at the thought and the naïve stupidity that allowed her to think it. But she couldn’t deny the truth. It was plain to see that she was in love with River again. Or more accurately, that she had always been in love with him. Even when she felt betrayed. Even when she was scared and alone and hated him for putting her in that position, she loved him.
Knowing he had never done anything to make him unworthy of her love made it that much harder to ignore. And that much harder to tell him the truth because he hadn’t deserved the deception.
“Are you okay?”
Morgan turned her head to find River looking at her with concern lining his sleepy eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“So you normally lie awake at night and stare intently at the ceiling?”
“I wasn’t staring at the ceiling. I was looking up at the stars.” She sighed and rolled over to look at him. “But no, it’s not normal. I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment.”
River pushed up onto his elbow and looked down at her. “I guess my plan to whisk you away to my peaceful, private retreat backfired. Do you want to talk about it?”
This was her chance. Here, in the dark, she could bare her soul. Confessions were always easier this way. And yet, maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe it was better to just enjoy this moment with River for what it wa
s. To indulge the way she’d intended to when this first started, and then walk away from it.
Was it better to tell him the truth now and ruin everything? Right now, she had a lot on her mind, but she was comfortable and warm in River’s bed. She could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. She could kiss him. Snuggle up against him. If she spoke up, she could very well ruin everything and end up waiting outside for an Uber at three in the morning to get back to Mount Pleasant.
Or was it a better idea to keep her mouth shut, let things come to their natural end and have this happy memory of their time together to cherish? The only way to truly keep the past in the past was to make sure her future didn’t include River.
“Not really,” she said, chickening out once again. “It’s nothing you would want to hear about in the middle of the night.”
“Try me.”
“No. Just forget it. I don’t want to waste another minute worrying about something I can’t control.” And she couldn’t control it. Not really. She could tell him, but how he responded was on him. That’s what scared her.
“Okay. Well, how about I help you forget about it?”
River grinned wide in the moonlight and she knew that this was the offer she would accept. To lose herself in loving him and trying to keep the memory in her heart so she wouldn’t be too lonely without him.
Nine
Something was bothering Morgan, but once again, she wouldn’t open up to him about it. River wasn’t sure if she didn’t trust him or if it was one of those damned Steele secrets holding her mind hostage. Either way, her stress was palpable and ruining the vibe of their weekend retreat.