“I’m terrified. I’m terrified of loving my baby and her losing me one day, just like I’m losing my mom. I can’t live without her…I don’t want her to die!!”
I choke; the sobs punching through me as the raw pain begins to tear away at me again.
“You won’t lose her, you need to love her, just like your mom loves you.”
The tip of his thumb swipes beneath my eye; his expression compassionate and overcome with worry as his brows draw together. In an attempt to calm my raging emotions, I take a moment to examine him, instantly noticing his gaunt cheeks. Now I wanted to touch him; feel his skin beneath my fingertips for my own selfish reasons.
“Milana, I was a fucking idiot to not understand how much you love your mom and gave up everything for her. She’s special, I’ve known her for two minutes and in my whole life, no one, aside from you, has made me feel accepted. So I get it, I get everything you’re feeling right now. And you know what, I’m jealous. You had so many years and memories with her.” He gazes at me, longlingly yet the pain is transparent. “I should have been there for you. God, I just kept fucking up, you know. I mean, Carson…fuck, I just should have—”
“Stop.” I place my hand on his chest, my turn to ease his pain. “I shouldn’t have questioned your relationship with your mother. You have every right to be upset, angry and everything else you feel towards Gina. I should have understood that, after all, it’s how I feel towards my dad. But the thing is, you can’t blame yourself for her actions. You didn’t choose that childhood Wesley, but you can choose how you live your life as an adult.”
“I miss you. It fucking killed me when you left.”
I sigh. “I had to. We were toxic.”
“But now?”
My finger moves towards his face, caressing the scar on his jawline. I missed it; a flaw yet a piece of him that is unique and only belonged to him. Suddenly, my brain reacts, remembering his words only moments ago.
“You met my mom?”
“Yes.” He smiles, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and casually resting them there. “And I plan on spending as much time with her while I can.”
Again, this all seems rushed and far-fetched. He wanted to spend time with Mom after meeting her for two minutes. Did he think this was how he could woo me back? And then, the giant elephant that had been in my own room—or should I say head—for the last nine months has suddenly made its way in front of the both of us.
“The baby…” I mutter, trying to find a way to explain all of what happened.
“Yes.” He sighs. “You really threw a giant curveball at me. I never, in my wildest dreams, expected something like that. The last twenty-four hours have been the most intense hours of my entire life. I mean, fuck, Milana, she’s our baby. You had a baby, and she’s mine.”
“God, Wesley, I don’t even know where to begin with telling you—”
He cuts me off, placing his finger against my lips. “I want to be wherever you and Katerina are. You are my family, you are my life. I’ve known her for one day and I can’t imagine life without her.”
“You spent a day with her?”
“Yes.” This time, he caresses my cheek, softly, watching his hand glide against my tear-streaked patchy skin. “I’ve barely slept.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. We were just so fucked up, you know. And when we were together it was like a high. I just forgot everything existed and then you left and I went back to the old me. I don’t blame you, in a way, for hiding this from me.”
Wesley pulls away, and instantly—I miss the contact. He rubs his face with his hands, perhaps the exhaustion weighed down his emotions much like me. “I’m not going to hide that, Milana, or lie to you. I wasn’t good during our time apart and I need help, I need to find a way to deal with my demons and not keep feeding them.”
“I should have helped you.”
“Don’t you hear what I’m saying?” His tone turns into frustration. “We are both hurting for different reasons and we both need help. If we’re going to be together, we both need to work on ways to move forward.”
Instinctively, my hand reaches out to him, grazing his arm with the palm of my hand.
“Play the game, by the rules, and everyone’s a winner.”
“Yeah, but you gotta be honest. Tell me what you want. You.” He points to my heart, forcing me to look deep within myself and ask the question that I had so easily buried beneath all the pain.
“I want to learn to bond with our daughter, but I also want to give Mom her dying wishes,” I croak, bowing my head down, “I just can’t be everything to everyone.”
“You know what?” He lifts my chin, knowingly capturing me with his luring stare. “Knowing Katya, and I think I can say I do, you’ve granted her wish. She just wants to see you love, and love her granddaughter just like she loves you. Anything else, is a bonus.”
The corner of my lip curves upwards, a smile in tow as the tears slowly dissolve. “Like visiting the Colosseum and kissing an Italian man?”