“Yeah. I think I need another Daisy Chain.”
He laughs, pulling me over to the bar. “Was that Lex you were texting?”
“No, I wasn’t texting. I read the text he sent me and listened to his voicemail. The first time I’ve had the courage to all week.”
“C’mon, Charlie, even I’m wrong for judging, hear him out at least. You know you wanna get back to tapping his hot ass again.”
“If only it were that easy.”
“What’s going on, ladies?” Kate rests her head on Eric’s shoulder, slurring her words.
“Charlie just got a text and message from Le—”
The whistle blows loudly in our ears. We all cringe.
Apparently, it’s conga time, but the gay version. And that’s our cue to leave. Eric joins the gay train and waves goodbye.
Kate and I stumble our way home to pass out as soon as we walk through the door of the hotel suite.
***
I move my tongue around my mouth, it tastes bitter and cotton-like. As I swallow, I feel the nausea wash over me. Running for the bathroom, tripping over Kate lying on the floor, I barely make it to the bowl before the ramifications of last night’s shots take place. I sit there minutes on end unable to peel myself off the cold tiles. I’m dying, there’s no other explanation.
“Charlie, are you oka…” Kate pushes me aside taking my spot.
Oh, fuck no, I can’t watch her puke as well. I run out of the bathroom pacing up and down the living area thankful that the trashcan stands by the small kitchenette and sink. That will be the last time I ever set foot in a gay club. Ever.
Hours later, we manage to shower and get dressed. I say goodbye to Kate, thanking her for making me forget and also letting me stay with her. We agree to meet up for coffee tomorrow before she is due to fly back home.
As I walk back into my apartment, the familiarity of it all overwhelms me. I’m exhausted, no doubt from the lack of sleep this week, the clubbing, and the extra work I took on to distract myself. On top of all that, I drank way too much, and my body is hating me for it.
I throw myself onto the couch, closing my eyes as Coco purrs beside me. A sudden ring startles me. Beside me, my phone is dancing on the coffee table—it’s Julian.
“Hey you,” I answer, my voice hoarse.
“You okay? You don’t sound well.”
My body aches all over as I straighten myself up. “Just coming down with something, I think.”
“I was going to ask you if you were free for dinner, but never mind, rest up.”
“No, it’s okay, Julian. We need to talk anyway.”
“Yes, we do need to talk. So, how about I pick you up around seven?”
“Um… how about I meet you there? Just text me the details.”
I hang up the call, feeling guilty for avoiding having him here. I remember Lex’s voicemail from last night. I remember how I felt when I read his words and heard his voice.
With a sudden curiosity, I scroll through my inbox. I find the deleted items folder and recover the emails he sent me.
He apologizes over and over again.
He promises nothing ever happened or ever would happen.
But it isn’t those emails that make me look at him in a different light. It’s the ones he sent me quoting one of my favorite songs. Songs he’d sing to me as I rested against his chest in our safe haven that was our cliff top back home.
A tear falls on my screen as the words linger. How does one stop what the heart wants? It’s impossible not to see the pain I’m inflicting on him, and it makes my heart hurt, a part of it crying for the sorrow he is feeling. But this is about my pain. How am I to rise above it? How am I able to place my trust in him and let all the fears wash away? Can I hand my heart over to him? It thinks it belongs there, but once upon a time, it was asked to leave, and when it left, it took me along with it to a very dark place. Has he changed? Has his heart changed too? Will he see me and understand my fears, understand how fresh this all is? Or will he push me into the dark by questioning my insecurities, belittle me for my ability to run?