“Aren’t you going to tell me Mark has said many wonderful things about me?” Mom asks, laced in sarcasm.
This is terrible. “Mom, are you jealous? Seriously, because you are banging a hot thirty-year-old model from Brazil. Need I say more?”
Debbie and my mom laugh, smoothing over any differences.
Mom holds out her hand which Debbie squeezes. They begin chatting about doms and subs, so I decide to leave because I swear they are heading down to a conversation about my dad and his bedroom skills. Oh, I’m seriously ready to hurl.
I’m having such a great time chatting with Emma and Kate until it dawns on me as I look around the room that my sister is missing.
“Hey, Adriana, how come my sister isn’t here?” I ask, disappointed.
“She’s in Ghana doing a trek of some sort and was unable to get out of it. I’m sorry, Charlie.”
Typical Melanie. She lives such an adventurous life, and to be honest, I don’t expect anything different. Maybe a phone call now and then wouldn’t hurt considering I haven’t seen her in four years, since the last time she was on American soil.
The night is off to a great start.
We dance, sing karaoke, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company.
The subs serve us, and I have to admit it’s kind of hot. I mean, I’m not into that shit, but hell, who am I to criticize a cut-up man serving me on command? Yes, I know, maybe once or twice during th
e night I demand he do things. Nothing naughty because God forbid if Lex finds out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he installed video surveillance in here.
Eric makes his grand entrance two hours later, his presence drawing attention as he yells, “I feel right at home.” Enthusiastically, he grabs a drink and sucks on the straw before saying something about a small dick to Kate. I rush over to his side, wrapping my arms around him. It isn’t a party without Eric—you don’t need entertainment if you have him and his non-filtered mouth.
Adriana takes over the microphone, slurring her words as she says something about the piñata. Jen brings out a stick in the shape of a penis and explains how we play.
“So basically, we just beat the cock with a cock?” I question.
“I’m officially in party heaven! Charlie, I saw a vag… like a weird, flappy-looking vag.” He cringes, explaining what went on at Lex’s bachelor party. I listen attentively until Kate whacks me in the face with the cock stick.
“Did you just turkey slap me, Kate?”
“Please, like that’s the first time you’ve ever been slapped around the chops with a tallywacker.” She chuckles.
“Nothing like a good old turkey slap,” Emily pipes in.
“Mom! I’m not letting you drink like ever!” Adriana cries.
“Adriana, you have to accept the fact that your dad and I are very sexually active. In fact, just the other day we bought this—”
“Lalalala…” Adriana covers her ears.
No doubt Lex would have pulled the plug on this conversation a long time ago. I let the two of them get back to their family woes as I have a more important task ahead of me.
I whack the piñata as hard as I can, but much to my disappointment, I barely make a dent in it. Eric is up next. He whacks the piñata like a maniac until it breaks, and little white fish-shaped candy flies out. Nikki, Jen, and Adriana, in their intoxicated state, fling themselves onto the floor, fighting over the candy.
Nikki yells out, “I can swallow the most, have you seen my husband.”
I cringe. I have seen her husband. Gross.
“Okay, so I know you can’t drink, but I know what will cheer you up,” Eric tells me.
“What’s that?”
“I spiked all the ladies’ drinks with Viagra,” he admits with a proud grin.
“E! What? Is there Viagra for women?”