A little moan of want fell out of my mouth and he took it in his. The kiss deepened as I came back to myself, wanting to feel every second, every sensation. His tongue ventured into my mouth and another little sound escaped me. My arms went around his neck, my fingers slid into his hair, nails grazing as our kiss intensified.
Sawyer’s breath rasped in his nose as he kissed me harder, his arms wrapped around me now, both hands in my hair now, angling my head to take him deeper. The bite of his teeth on my lower lip made me dizzy and the chair was suddenly too small to contain us.
But Sawyer wrenched himself away from me, shocking me with the sudden break. He gently but quickly moved me off his lap and strode to the kitchen where he stood with his back to me, head bowed, hands resting on the counter.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Shit, I’m sorry, Darlene, I shouldn’t have done that. Everything is so fucked up right now, and kissing you is like stepping outside of a nightmare.”
I nodded quickly, thinking of my original reason for coming here tonight. “Me too. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”
“We can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t do this to you.” He turned to face me, carved his hand through his hair. “Goddamn, Darlene, now? Why is this, why are we happening now? My whole life is about to implode. I have nothing to give you. Nothing.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is,” he said tiredly. “You deserve someone who’s not stretched to the goddamn breaking point every second of his life.” His jaw clenched and his dark eyes shone. “I was close to being done and now this hearing...”
“I know,” I said in a small voice.
“I have to fight for her,” he said, his tone hardening. “I have to put everything I have into that. No, not just that. I have to pass the bar, and get the goddamn clerkship so that I can prove I can provide for her. Fuck.”
He rubbed his eyes and my heart broke for him, for the weight that was pressing down on him, trying to crush him.
“I know it’s so hard for you right now...”
“Too hard. I feel like my fucking heart is being torn in half. I’m scared shitless about losing Olivia, and yet when I’m with you, I see something real. For the first time in my life, I want whatever we have to be real.”
Real. But I’m a liar. A fraud. He doesn’t know me, I haven’t told him anything.
He shook his head. “But I can’t give you anything right now but stress and pain. When all this shit blows over…” he said hoarsely. “If I still have her when it’s done...”
“You will. You will, Sawyer.”
His jaw worked and for a moment he said nothing. “I don’t know, Darlene. I’ve never been so terrified in my life. But when it’s all done and if I have Olivia,” he swallowed hard. “Then I can really be with you, if you still want that. Or at least we can try. Until then…” He let his hands drop to his sides. “I have nothing.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “But I understand. I do. And I’m supposed to be working on myself, and God knows there’s still so much left to do. To say to you.”
I wiped my eyes with the heel of my hand.
“But I can be here for you,” I said. “As a friend. Or to babysit Olivia if you need me to. Whatever you want, okay?”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
I moved to the door, feeling like I was running away, but God, how could I tell him anything when he was about to face the fight of his life? Keeping Olivia was the most important thing right now, but it still felt like a cop out.
“Tell me how the hearing goes,” I said, opening the door. “Tell me if you need anything. Anything at all. Tell me…”
Tell me you’ll forgive me when you know the truth.
The words stuck in my throat, and I flew out of his place, tears spilling over.
I guessed not being so much of a coward was something I still needed to work on.
Sawyer
I didn’t want to—seeing her was too painful now—but I needed Darlene sooner than I’d expected. The day before the hearing, Elena told me she had a family emergency in the East Bay, and couldn’t babysit. Henrietta was out of town for a wedding so I had no choice but to ask Darlene.
She agreed readily, even though it meant taking the day off her work. I added her lost wages to the tally of things I
owed all the people who helped me during these last ten months.