“Thank me? Why—?”
“Oh shit, wait. You’re on your date with Sawyer the Lawyer, aren’t you? Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I got so excited and completely forgot everything else. Fuck, I’m so sorry…”
I shook my head. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”
It’s all over.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I can’t tell him, Max,” I whispered. “I can’t. I try and the words stick. He’ll look at me like everyone else in my family does, and I’ll die a little inside.” I huffed a breath, wiped my nose on the back of my hand. “He thinks you and I are dating.”
“You wish,” Max said, coaxing a small laugh out of me. His voice softened. “Dar, you have to tell him the truth. You know you do.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re right. You were right about everything.”
“Of course I was, but it’s so hard to keep track. What else was I right about?”
“You know that emotional rock bottom you keep talking about?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m standing at the edge of it, staring right down into it. Teetering,” I said, my voice hardly a whisper. “It’ll just take one push and…”
“And?”
“I’m going to fall in.”
Sawyer
I walked back to the Victorian alone, cursing myself for letting the whole night fall apart; the ruination of what had the makings of a perfect night was a bitter pill I couldn’t swallow. I’d never let myself care about a woman before. My mother’s death made caring too much seem like a dangerous proposition. I already lived with the constant fear Molly would show up any minute and try to fight me for Olivia. That kind of strain on my heart was already too much, but Darlene…
“Fuck,” I muttered.
She’d gotten past every one of my usual defenses so now the mere idea of her with another man felt like a goddamn knife in my chest.
She was upset and you walked away.
Like an instinct, the steely cage around my heart was resurrecting itself, reforming minute by minute. I’d been stupidly optimistic, I told myself. Taken my eye off the prize and got knocked on my ass for it.
Henrietta had planned to keep Olivia all night, but I went and got her, muttering some excuse about Darlene being under the weather and having to cancel.
I took my daughter home, fed her dinner, and put her to bed.
“Just you and me,” I told her, brushing the brown curls from her eyes as she drifted to sleep. “I’m going to take care of you, Livvie. We’re almost at the finish line, aren’t we?”
I put on sleep pants and a T-shirt, and sat at my desk, my study materials arrayed in front of me. I had one last final, Judge Miller’s assignment, and the damn bar exam. I didn’t need any more distractions.
I tried to focus on my studies, but my stupid heart felt bruised, and when I heard her footsteps on the stairs going up, I fought the urge to bolt out of my chair and confront Darlene. Or comfort her. I didn’t know which.
I did neither.
“Fuck me,” I muttered.
I opened my laptop to the document I’d begun for Judge Miller’s assignment when writing by hand wasn’t working. Typing didn’t work either.
He wanted life. The brightest burst of life I knew was right above me, and I was down here, afraid of how much I wanted to be with her, knowing all too well how the things—and people—we care about most can vanish right before our eyes.