I stepped out on a cloud of steam, wrapped myself in a towel, and grabbed the phone. Before I could stop myself, I jabbed Max’s number.
“Hello, Max speaking.”
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Hey, Me. What’s up?”
“Sawyer kissed me,” I blurted. “And we have a date tonight. I just thought…as my sponsor, you should know that.”
A silence.
“Are you there?”
“I’m here,” he said slowly. “Processing. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“Nope. That’s it.” I wrapped a lock of dripping hair around my finger. “He’s taking me out to dinner. Oh, and we went dancing on Saturday night too. It was fun. No big deal.”
See how well I’m handling this? I wanted to shout.
“Okay.”
Max hadn’t been able to get out of a shift on Monday night and had missed the NA meeting with me. I’d considered that lucky at the time, but now I wished he’d been there. I wished I’d talked.
I wish I could talk.
A small sob tore out of me, and the pretend bravado gusted out with it. I sank onto my little loveseat. “Fucking hell, Max, this sucks.”
“I know,” he said. “Tell me.”
“I want to. I want to be honest. I do. That’s why my stomach is in knots, isn’t it? Sawyer isn’t like any other man I’ve ever been with. I’m not just attracted to him, Max. I like him. A lot. In a different way than I’ve ever… liked a man. And his little girl…” Tears sprang to my eyes. “I like her, too. So much. And I want…”
“What, Dar?” Max asked gently. “What do you want?”
Everything.
“I don’t know,” I said. I wiped my eyes irritably. “I hate that no matter what I do, I’ll always be that girl. The girl who was weak and sad. Who had this big yawning hole of want in her, and filled it up with terrible shit. And you know what? The drugs are gone but the want is still there, and the good things I want to fill it with are right in front of me but I’m scared to grab for them.” My voice turned small and watery. “I’m scared, Max, that he’ll hate me.”
“If he’s any kind of a good guy, he won’t hate you, Dar. But you have to tell him. Not just so he lives with your truth, but so that you do too. That’s fair to him and it’s fair to you. You deserved to be loved as you are, Darlene. Not in bits and pieces.”
I sniffed. “How come you’re not telling me to cancel the date? To forget about all of this and stick to my year-long men boycott?”
“Unreasonable expectations…” he said gently. “Besides, telling you not to love is like depriving a flower of sunlight. You aren’t meant to be contained, Darlene. It would be a crime against humanity. Just do it honestly, okay? And then tell me all about it. Then tell the group all about it at tomorrow night’s meeting.”
I nodded against the phone, my tears burning hotly down my cheek. “God, this is so hard.” I huffed a sigh. “Can’t I sleep with him first?”
Max laughed. “You’re going to be fine, I promise. Okay?”
“Okay. I should go. I have to get ready for this dinner. What does one wear to tell a future criminal prosecutor that you’re a former criminal?”
“Something with bold patterns. Maybe ruffles…”
I sniffed a laugh.
“Call me later, Dar.”
“I will.”
I hung up and stared at the phone. Then I got dressed for my first—and probably last—date with Sawyer Haas.