I stared down at Olivia, willing her little features to become recognizable. A clue or hereditary whisper that she really was mine. But she looked nothing like Molly or me. She was just a baby.
My baby?
Molly sniffed and I looked up to see her smiling at Olivia and me. “You’re a natural,” she said softly. “I knew you would be.”
I stared down at the baby and swallowed a jagged lump of every emotion known to man.
“H-how old is she?”
“Three months,” Molly said. She nudged my arm with her elbow. “Remember that night? Pretty wild, right?”
My head shot up. “You told me you were on the pill.”
She flinched and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I was. It didn’t work. That happens sometimes.”
I stared, incredulous, and then my gaze dropped back down to the baby in my arms. She stirred in her sleep, her little fist brushing her own chin. One half of the impenetrable confines of my heart battened down like a storm was coming, shoring up defenses, building walls because this can’t be happening. The other half marveled at this baby’s tiny movements like they were minor miracles. I felt like laughing, crying, or screaming all at once.
“I almost didn’t come here,” Molly was saying. “I just wanted you to meet her and so…here we are.”
“Are you in the city? Do you have a place…?”
I wondered if Molly needed to move in with me, and the reality of the situation was like a bucket of ice water. I still had another nine months of law school. I had the bar exam to take and pass—the first time—if I had any prayer of getting the clerkship with Judge Miller. The clerkship was my ticket to my dream career as a federal prosecutor.
“What the hell, Molly. I can’t…I can’t have a baby,” I said, my voice rising. “I’m twenty-three fucking years old.”
Molly sniffed. “Oh really?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You can have a baby, Sawyer. If you can fuck, you can have a baby. So that’s what we did and that’s what we have.”
I gritted my teeth and spat each word slowly. “You told me you were on the pill…”
She stared back and I knew it was useless. Saying those words over and over wasn’t going to make the baby in my arms magically evaporate. The pill may have failed or Molly may have been lying about taking them, but in the bleary, booze-soaked memories of that night, there had been one second where I told myself to put on a condom like I always did, and that time I didn’t.
“Fuck,” I whispered, and a terrible sadness gripped me as I stared into Olivia’s little face. Sadness for all of the fear and anxiety wrapped up with her in one tight bundle. I took a deep breath. “Okay, what happens now?”
“I don’t know,” Molly said, her fingers twitching in her lap. “I just…wanted to see you. To see how you were and let you know that she’s yours. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’m still making them.” She smiled wanly. “But you… You’re a good guy, Sawyer. I know you are.”
I frowned, shook my head. “I’m not. Jesus, Molly—”
“Can I use your restroom?” she asked. “It was a long drive up.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Down the hall, first door on your left.”
She sucked in a breath and bent to kiss the baby on her forehead, then quickly rose and went out.
I held Olivia and watched as she woke up. Her eyes fluttered open and met mine for the first time. They were blue like Molly’s, not brown like mine, but I felt something shift in me. One tiny tear in my fabric, the first of many that would eventually lead to a complete unraveling and remaking of me into someone I’d hardly recognize.
“Hi,” I whispered to my daughter.
My daughter. Oh Christ…
Sudden panic tore through the shock and fear. I jerked my head up and glanced frantically around my empty room, to the huge bag on the floor, to the empty space where Molly had been sitting. My breath caught in my chest at my brain’s slow realization of what had happened.
I tore off the bed with the baby in my arms, and hurried to the living area where the party was going on full blast. The noise frightened Olivia and her cries spread through the party like a fire hose, dousing everything until the music shut off. All talk and laughter dampened down to nothing. I glanced around the room, searching for Molly and found only slack-jawed stare
s and snickers. Jackson gaped with a million questions in his eyes. My other roommates stared. Carly-or-Marly’s sexy smile had turned into one of bemused pity. I barely registered any of it as my eyes found the front door, left slightly ajar.
Oh my God…
In between Olivia’s growing cries, someone snorted a small laugh. “This party is so over.”