Jackson chuckled and shot me a wink, but I didn’t feel like laughing. I leaned over the table to Sawyer.
“I didn’t say a word, I promise. She only ever calls me Darlene. I—”
“It’s okay,” he said, a strange smile on his lips. “We live together. It was inevitable that she’d bond with you even more than she had already.’”
“I know, but I know you don’t want to confuse her…”
“Darlene,” Sawyer said. “It’s fine.”
I nodded and sat straight in my chair, the beautiful happiness I’d felt at Olivia’s words fading to leave my stomach twisting in knots.
The last few days Sawyer had been acting funny. He was in his head a lot, and not talking as much as usual. And today, he’d been so quiet and subdued. As the others ate their dessert and drank their coffee, I found myself going back over the last few days trying to find something that could be amiss. But I had to keep going, back and back, as this year had been the most incredible of my life.
I’d been able to find big parts in small shows so that my massage work was mostly freelance to make extra income. And now I’d had a small-ish role in a really big show. And the day I told Sawyer, his eyes had widened and the pure joy and happiness for me felt as good as getting the part.
Rachel had returned from her Greenpeace tour wanting her apartment back. After many long talks, I moved in with Sawyer and Olivia. We both wanted to protect Olivia, but we were so much in love, the idea of something going wrong between us seemed impossible. We were happy. I wondered sometimes how it was possible to feel so happy with Sawyer and Olivia, and building a life with a man and his little girl was something I’d never imagined I wanted, and now couldn’t imagine living without.
I glanced at Sawyer across the table. Jackson leaned in to tell him a joke but Sawyer only smiled, a far-off expression on his face. My stomach twisted a little more. Was this the slow fade I’d seen before? No big drama, no blow up fights…
You’re being ridiculous, I told myself, but I’d seen it too many times. And that impossible happiness…maybe it was just that. Too impossible to last.
I got up from my seat and moved down the table to where Max was talking with Beckett.
“Excuse me,” I said, “but I need to borrow this guy for minute.”
I tugged Max to his feet and drew him away from the table, to the bathroom alcove.
“Help! How do you shut down overthinking?”
Max looked dashing in a suit he wore with a black leather jacket instead of a coat. “That’s the secret to life,” he said with a grin. “If I knew that, I’d have written it down and I’d be on Oprah right now.”
I bit my lip.
His teasing smile fled. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing. I’m jumping to conclusions…or, not even that. I don’t know what to think.” I looked up at him, tears coming to my eyes. “I’ve been so happy and that stupid little voice is back. You know the one? It whispers in your ear that everything good is going to go away soon.”
He nodded. “I know the voice. That little fucker talks to me. Frequently.” He smiled gently at me. “But don’t talk back. Don’t feed it. That’ll get you nowhere. If you’re concerned about something with Sawyer, talk to Sawyer.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I know you’re right.” I sucked in a breath. I was stronger than this. I’d come so far, and I couldn’t let nagging doubt get the best of me. I wasn’t the girl who thought a man being upset with her meant the end.
“You’re still as wise as ever,” I said, as we walked back to the table. “I just…got scared.”
“That’ll happen. Just don’t let it stay.”
I kissed his cheek and sat back down. Sawyer was watching me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I wanted to ask you the same,” I said. Jackson laughed loudly at something Gerald said, and I flinched. “But not here. After lunch?”
He smiled warmly and nodded, and I felt a little better.
At the Orpheum theatre, outside the back entrance, I hugged and kissed everyone and they all told me to break a leg.
“Hey, Dar,” Jackson said. “You know that’s just a figure of speech, right?”
“Such a comedian,” I said with a laugh and a roll of my eyes.