“You said that already,” I said, humiliation for what I’d done burning through me. I covered my eyes with a hand, but the hot tears spilled out. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m sorry, Miller.
“Hey.” River gently pulled my hand away. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s me who’s messed up. Believe me.”
I shook my head. “No. You didn’t deserve that. Everything’s been going all wrong. I used to be so organized and on top of things. Now…” I gestured at the ceiling. “Now it’s all falling apart. I’m falling apart. Doing things I’d never do. Being someone I’m not.”
River turned his gaze to the ceiling, his mouth a hard line. “Yeah. I know exactly how that is.”
“You do?”
“Definitely.”
I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and rolled on my side to face him.
“How? I mean…seems like everything’s going how it should for you.”
“That’s because I’m really good at making it look like everything’s going as it should,” he said bitterly. He reached over and plucked a tissue from the nightstand and handed it to me.
“Thank you.” I dabbed my eyes. “Nancy told me you got into Alabama and Texas A&M.”
“I did,” he said.
“You don’t look happy.”
He turned his head on the pillow to face me. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.”
“Swear you won’t tell anyone?”
“Cross my heart.”
He faced forward again, his Adam’s apple bobbing with a heavy swallow. “I don’t want to play football anymore.”
I propped my head with my elbow. “What? Really?”
“I haven’t wanted to…since forever, actually. It’s been more my dad’s dream than mine. He was a big star in his day and could’ve gone pro, until a knee injury took him out.”
“Wow,” I said, absorbing that. “But you’re so good at it. Like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.”
He smiled grimly. “It’s wasteful, right? To want to throw it all away?”
“Well, no. Not if it makes you unhappy. What do you really want to do?”
“You’ll laugh. Or think I’m a huge dork.”
I smirked. “As someone who dabbled in not being a dork for a short time until Evelyn Gonzalez returned me to the Land of Dorks from whence I came, you have my word.”
He laughed, but it faded fast. “I want to stay here. I want to be with my mom until…however long she needs me. I want to work at the family business. I want to live in Santa Cruz and start my own family.”
“I know exactly what you mean, River. That all sounds perfect. Can’t you tell that to your dad?”
He shook his head. “It’d crush him. He has this idea of me. Of who I should be. I’ve spent my entire life trying to live up to it. When I play football…” He shrugged helplessly. “That’s when he’s happy. That’s when I feel…”