“Hey.” Bryce reached out and turned my face to his, his brown eyes full of concern. “Talk to me.”
My mouth opened but words failed me. How was I supposed to explain that going back to work felt like losing Will all over again? That being there without him was going to cripple me?
Bryce unclipped his seat belt, shuffled towards me and pulled me into his arms.
“I know,” he said, as I fell against his chest. “I know. We’ve all felt it, Freya. I get that it wasn’t exactly the same for the rest of us as it will be for you, and we all did it together, but we still felt it. Nobody’s expecting anything from you today. We just want you back on the team.”
“I want to be back on the team, Bryce. I do. I just don’t know how to do it.”
“Slowly. You’ll do it slowly. It’s just a couple of days and we’re not even playing away this weekend so if work gets too much you can go home and clear your head.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that home wasn’t always my favourite place to be anymore. Will’s belongings were mostly still there. His parents had taken some of his personal things; yearbooks, and a few boxes of stuff from his childhood that meant more to them than me. That was their connection to him. Mine was in the things still hanging around; his clothes, silly material things like cinema tickets and restaurant receipts he’d left on our dresser. I’d tucked them away, because as silly and material as those things were, he’d held them. They still had him on them and I needed them close.
Bryce gave me a comforting squeeze before letting me go, and I threw him a half-hearted smile. “Let’s go get this over with.”
The sound of the radio was a welcome distraction on the drive to work. I listened to the cheerful presenters gossiping about the newest celebrity scandals taking up the front pages of the magazines. It filtered in and out of my mind as I stared out of the window, waiting for the usual morning traffic to get moving while simultaneously hoping we’d be stuck there all day so I wouldn’t have to face my biggest fear.
When we pulled into the Warriors parking lot I remained glued to my seat, staring at the building and what I could see of the pitch. Already a few of my team mates sat on the field, drinking water and enjoying the morning sun before training began. Cody Rivera chatted to Miguel and Jude, the three of them laughing about something, and I was about to go in there and cast a dark cloud over their good mood.
Miguel had offered to drive me to work that morning, but… I’d been keeping my distance from him. Heartless as it sounds, being around Miguel was painful for. I couldn’t always avoid him, and I didn’t want to, I wanted to be cool with him again but he was Will’s best friend and I wasn’t strong enough to carry his grief as well as my own. Our other friends, they could hold it back, but Miguel and I crumbled if we spent too much time alone together. Both of us drowning each other in tears, incapable to stop or to help each other because while we understood, we only multiplied each other’s sadness. I hadn’t seen him in over a month. Maybe things would be different now but seeing him was another hurdle I wasn’t ready to jump yet.
“You ready?”
I nodded. “I guess so.”
My shaky legs just about managed to co-operate as I got out of the car, and Bryce took hold of my hand as we walked across the parking lot to begin what I feared would be one of the most difficult days of my life.
Cody, Miguel and Jude were the first to spot us, and time seemed to stand still as they froze, all except for the smiles that died on their faces. Their heads lowered as if embarrassed to be caught enjoying themselves.
See. Just as I thought. I’m the dark cloud ruining their banter.
After a second, Miguel got to his feet and jogged over to me, the smile returning to his face as he bundled me into a hug, his trademark afro scratching at my cheek.
“Welcome back,” he said, taking my bag from my hand as he released me, as if I was too frail to carry it. Honestly, I probably looked that way. I was, however, grateful he hadn’t mentioned my lack of contact over the last few weeks. He greeted me as if nothing had changed, like I hadn’t backed out of every meet-up he was invited to.
“Thanks. I’m totally dreading this.”
With Miguel and Bryce on either side of me, trapped so I couldn’t escape, we walked along the edge of the pitch towards the locker room. On the way, my team mates called out, welcoming me back, and I tried to smile and thank them but being there for the first time since the funeral had widened the gaping hole inside me and intensified the chill in my stomach.
You can almost smell grief in the air and even though time had passed, I smelt it. Like the funeral happened yesterday. It’s musty, like a room that hasn’t been aired for a long time. Stuffy and suffocating. I could still see everyone dressed in black. Mourners with their heads bowed, nodding to each other in understanding but trying not to look too enthusiastic because nobody is supposed to look happy at a funeral. If one single person cracks the tiniest smile, it’s considered a sign of disrespect.
“Freya?”
I hadn’t realised I’d stopped until Bryce’s voice cut through my flashback or whatever the hell it was. As my surroundings faded back in I took in a huge gulp of air, throwing my arms out to grab onto the guys to ensure I stayed on my feet.
The world sped past me in a dizzying blur and Miguel and Bryce tightened their grip on me. I leaned into Bryce, his hard muscle a solid wall keeping me upright. I was shaky when I arrived at work but suddenly I was trembling uncontrollably, my legs like spaghetti, and my heart… oh God, my heart was pounding so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.
“I need to… I…”
Sweat broke out on my forehead and my palms had grown slick again. I couldn’t seem to express what I wanted or needed but Miguel and Bryce lowered me to the ground. I was aware Miguel had moved away from me but all I could think about was how much I was trembling, and why it had happened. Was I getting sick? Was this the start of some weird summer flu?
Or was I just too weak to do my job without Will?
“Here, drink some water.”
Miguel handed me a bottle, which he’d kindly already opened for me, and I took small sips in between deep breaths.
I refused to look at anyone other than the two people beside me but I felt as though everyone was staring, just like they did when I first walked in. I felt eyes boring into me, heard people pitying me and muttering that maybe I shouldn’t be there. Maybe it was still too soon. My cheeks heated and I mumbled, “This isn’t how today was supposed to go.”