It was only a short walk back to the bus, and once inside, we sat beside each other in the small communal area, relieved to finally be away from Jason’s temptation, for the time being, at least. He took deep breaths and I silently waited beside him until he calmed.
“I think you should call your sponsor,” I said.
“It’s three in the morning, Luce.”
“Well, if you can’t call when you need him, what’s the point?”
“I can call him, but I don’t want to unless I really need to.”
“You don’t think you need to?”
He shook his head. “It’s passed now. Almost.”
“So, if I go to bed and leave you alone, you won’t run back to the club? You’ll go to bed too, and you won’t be up all night thinking about it?”
He lowered his eyes. “I can’t promise that. I won’t go back to the club, but I’ll probably be thinking about it.”
“Call him, Jason. I’ll go to my bunk to give you some space, but I’m keeping the curtain open. If you try to get out of here, I swear to God I will chase you down and kick your ass.”
I wasn’t trying to trivialise the situation at all. It wasn’t something to joke about, but if I kept being so serious, I was worried I’d lose him to his thoughts. Plus, I really would have chased him if I needed to. He couldn’t get off the bus without passing my bunk and I had no intention of letting him get anywhere near the club again.
Jason smiled. “Fine. I’ll call him.” I gave him a firm nod, and as I started to walk away, Jason said, “You couldn’t kick my ass.”
The smirk on his face made me laugh, and I pointed down to my shoes. “In these heels? No problem.”
He’d relaxed a whole lot since we’d got onto the bus, and the banter seemed to calm him more. I gave him an encouraging smile then headed to my bunk.
In spite of what I’d said, I took off my heels and tucked them away before clambering into my bunk and flicking the light on. I was way too buzzed to fall asleep, but even if I had been tired, I’d have fought it off until the rest of the band got back. I knew they wouldn’t be much longer, and once they returned, we’d be leaving for Vienna.
A little ripple of happiness flowed through me at the thought of seeing Ellie. Although it had only been a few days, it felt like years since she’d waved us off. Funny how so much can happen in such a short space of time when you step out of your comfort zone. Several countries, foods, lifestyles, characters… the list of differences to life in the UK was endless.
I couldn’t wait to see my big sister, although I knew Drew was the main pull for her. I was just an added bonus. Since they got together, they’d never been apart for as long as they would be once we left Europe, and it would be rough on them both. Of course, they knew they had to get used to it, and Ellie would be able to go on some of the tours too but her work wouldn’t always allow for it. Sometimes she had commitments at home to fulfil, but her art made her just as happy as being with Drew. They were so lucky to have each other, and to have successful careers that added to the perfection of their life together.
It was twenty minutes before Jason came to my bunk, the harsh stress lines on his face now fully vanished, and an overall more relaxed vibe flowed from him. He tucked his phone into his back pocket. “Mind if I join you?”
I shook my head and shuffled over against the wall. The bunks weren’t really designed for two people, but two could just about fit if we lay on our sides. There was minimal room to turn over but it wasn’t impossible or uncomfortable. When Jason had climbed in beside me, I said, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Alex said he was glad I called him, even if it is the middle of the night. He talked me down and I feel a lot better now.”
“Good.”
He took my hand in his, running his thumb across my knuckles. “I couldn’t have got through this without you, Lucy.”
My hand tingled where he touched. His strokes were so soft; in that moment he was a million miles from his dangerous, edgy onstage persona. I loved moments like this, when he let his guard right down. It had happened a few times since we’d been on the road and it allowed me to see the real Jason. The Jason I always thought was there.
“I didn’t really do much,” I said, staring down at our joined hands before looking back up at him.
“It probably doesn’t seem like much to you but when I feel the way I did at the club, it’s a big deal for anyone to be able to get through to me. I know I’m better than I used to be, and it’s a little easier, but if you hadn’t been there I could easily be off my face right now.”
“What…” I paused, unsure whether to ask the question. I’d always wondered but was too scared to ask.
His brow furrowed. “What, Luce?”
“What does it feel like? When you were outside the club, and you were panicking… how does it feel?”
“Scary,” he admitted, without hesitation. “It’s like being ripped into pieces and not knowing where all the bits will end up. Part of you knows the right thing to do. The other part wants to drag you back to the dark side. It tells you it’s good to score. That you need to score. That just one hit will be enough, and then you can stop again. And the part that knows that isn’t true screams at you not to do it. It knows better. But all you can really do is remember the feeling you get the first time. It was trying to chase that high that kept me going back. It’s never the same though. So when something sets off a trigger, I have to fight with myself. To remind myself all the reasons I can’t go back. Tonight I needed someone to help me. I couldn’t think clearly enough to call Alex. And that’s what’s scary. Being unable to get a clear grip on what’s real. On the right thing.”
His confession shot fear through me. Was it really that hard every single time? And if so, what if I hadn’t been there? What happens if I’m not there next time? Or the time after? Because this would never go away for him. Sure, time would help. It already had. But it wouldn’t ever be fully over. His whole life would be tainted by this, and being in the band would only make it more prominent.