His eyes widened in surprise. “Now who’s being judgemental?”
“I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant to sound, I just don’t get it. Why is it okay for you to pick someone up just because, but not for me?”
“Is that why you did it? You were horny and you wanted someone?”
My cheeks flushed again. I couldn’t believe he’d asked me that, but on the other hand, maybe he had no idea of my non-existent experience. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been horny in my life. Or at least, not in the way he meant. The kind of horny that makes you want to screw the first person who looks at you.
“I wasn’t horny. I didn’t even like him much. Like I said, I made a mistake.”
Jason shook his head. “You’re not one of those girls, Lucy. There are some girls who are happy to pick up guys, have a one night thing and then move along. And there will always be guys who are happy to oblige. I’m not an angel by any means, and I admit, I take advantage of who I am sometimes. But you aren’t the kind of girl who could be like them.”
“Why not? Because I’m not pretty enough, and don’t have the kind of boobs that could poke someone’s eyes out?”
Jason laughed, but then his eyes softened as he stared at me for a moment. “Not pretty? You need to take another look in the mirror, Luce. You’re beautiful.”
A little flurry of butterflies started up in my stomach, but scepticism quickly took over. I was dressed in my nightclothes, un-showered and un-groomed. He was just being polite. I glanced down at my barely there cleavage. “Nah. Definitely not beautiful. And severely lacking in certain areas.”
Jason’s eyes moved down to my chest before quickly flicking back up to my face, and I spotted redness on his cheeks. I’d never seen him look like that before, almost embarrassed. The man could fake confidence like nobody I’d ever met. There was no need for him to be embarrassed about looking at my non-boobs - I was the one who’d brought them up.
“You’re not lacking in any areas.” He stood up so abruptly that I jumped at the swiftness of his movement. “I’m gonna take a shower before breakfast. See you downstairs?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
He smiled, a smile that eased my panic and made me forget my name for a second. However, once he’d gone, I reached for my journal and pen. Lying on my stomach, I opened to the next blank page and began to write.
Beautiful. That is a word that means something. Not hot, or gorgeous. Beautiful. For me, that word sums up everything about a person. Not just their looks, but their personality too.
Did Jason really just call me beautiful?
I was having a moment of insecurity, and that’s probably why he said it. I’m just me. Nothing special. Average, I guess.
Maybe I should rip this page out. It’s not supposed to be a place for me to be a total girl and scribble down my thoughts about Jason. I think about him more than enough as it is. But this isn’t really about Jason. It’s about me. About how I feel.
I do appreciate him checking on me, and it’s cool that he thinks I’m worth more than a grope in a back alley, but that girl he picked up? To someone, she is a friend, a daughter, a sister. And they probably feel the same way about her. Even if they don’t, why does she want to be a quick fling for someone? Why does anyone want that?
Women actually can’t win these days. We’re told to go after what we want, to never back down, to live with as much freedom as men have. It’s supposed to be empowering to live life our way. But then, a lot of the time when woman do that, they’re shouted down. Called slags, or easy for doing what men are almost expected to do.
How are we supposed to know what’s right? How am I supposed to know what’s right?
I know what feels right for me, and I guess that’s what matters. And what’s right for me is waiting for a guy who takes my breath away. Maybe this is an ideal I’ve learned from fairy tales and romance novels and it doesn’t truly exist. But for now, I’m willing to believe it. I’m willing to wait.
Chapter 5 – Schnitzel With Noodles
The tour rolled on through Brussels and Frankfurt until we reached Munich, and in that time I’d tried just about every local delicacy that existed, then used any free time I had jogging the extra calories off. Not that there was a lot of free time. In fact, free time was incredibly rare. I’d also learned how to help the guys set up for a gig – or at least as much as my weedy arms would let me. I couldn’t carry much, but at least I knew where to direct the roadies.
Life in a tour bus was… cosy. The bus was pretty cool but our bunks were small and a bit suffocating at times. The fun I had more than made up for it though.
The downside was, I wasn’t having as much fun with Jason anymore. As the week had worn on, he’d grown quieter. The happy, excited Jason I’d spent my first night in Paris with had calmed down, and while his band mates seemed oblivious, I found it increasingly difficult to ignore. I knew better than to ask him about it, though. Firstly, I knew from Ellie that when asked about a problem, he would retreat and shut down more. And secondly, while we’d gotten a little closer, I wasn’t sure we’d gotten close enough for that yet.
My concern reached a peak on the morning of the Munich gig. I was playing Mario Kart with Mack and Joey, all of us racing against each other and laughing as cartoon versions of ourselves overtook each other. Jason had been sullenly watching us when, out of nowhere, he stood up, letting out a growl.
“You okay, buddy?” Mack asked, pausing the game as we turned to look at him.
Jason rubbed his hands up and down on his faded jeans. “Yeah. I just… I need to get out of here.”
As he began to walk towards the bus door, Drew hopped down from his bunk and stood in front of his brother, blocking his exit. “Where are you going?”
Drew spoke sternly, and this was the first time on the tour I’d witnessed what Jason had mentioned in Paris. I almost expected him to say, ‘You shall not pass!’ while brandishing some kind of staff. I didn’t need to see Jason’s face to know his expression. His body stiffened. “I need to get off this damn bus. I want to walk.”