Drew turned away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe I want to talk about it! I’m sick of this passive aggressive bullshit, Drew. You wanna tell me how much you hate me? Do it! You wanna tell me how much you resent having to look after me my whole life? Come on, I’m right here. Just say it so we can move the fuck on.”
“Talking isn’t going to change anything.”
“So we’re going to carry on this way? Being pissed off with each other because you can’t let go of the past?”
“The past that’s been dragged up every day since you agreed to let Derek bring it out into the open?”
“We both agreed.”
“If you knew me as well as you think you do, you’d know I hated the idea from the start. And I did tell you.”
“You let it drop!” Jason pushed away from the wall, shaking his head again as he paced the room. “This is a waste of time. I appreciate you trying, Ellie, but I can’t do this on my own.”
Drew spun around to face Jason, eyes blazing. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to stop acting as though I’m the reason for every bad thing that’s happened to you! I’ve done some shitty things, but I’ve worked damn hard to make up for them. Do you have any idea how hard it was? How hard it still is?”
“Try being the one who had to hold everything together while you were doing shitty things! You can apologise as much as you want, but you can’t take away the times I found Dad crying, blaming himself for what you did. Hearing him calling himself a bad father because he thought he didn’t do enough for you after Mum died was one of the worst times I’ve ever been through! He thought everything you did was his fault!”
Michael Brooks was the picture of a typical, old-fashioned English gent. He stood up when a woman entered the room, held doors open, pulled out chairs so you could sit down at dinner, and completed the stereotype with a stiff upper lip. Watching him suffer was as heart-breaking as witnessing Jason’s rapid decline.
Jason sagged back against the wall, the pain on his face, on both of their faces, made tears flood my eyes. Every harsh word they exchanged pierced through me like knives slashing at my soul, and I’d brought them to it. Forced them to slog it out, knowing how gut-wrenching it would be. I didn’t want them to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. But whether the conversation happened or not, everyone hurt.
“I didn’t know,” Jason said, quietly.
“You didn’t care!” Drew shouted. “You didn’t care about anyone but yourself, and that’s never changed! You’ve always been selfish, and I’m done fixing everything you break!”
Without looking at either of us, Drew picked up our bags again, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
I couldn’t move yet. My body trembled, and when I glanced at Jason I saw he was shaking, too. For the second time in one day, I was torn in half. I wanted so much to be with Drew. To hold him, and tell him I was sorry for pushing him. Sorry for making him dig further into those painful memories when all it did was make everything worse. But how could I leave Jason?
“Go to him, Ellie.” Jason lowered his head, and I was pretty sure his hair hid some tears.
“Jason, I-”
“He needs you more than I do.”
“I don’t think that’s completely true,” I told him, rising on wobbly legs. “I can’t leave you like this.”
I reached for his hand, and he sighed. “I’ve been waiting for him to say those things for a long time. I’ve expected it every day, and every day, he kept them bottled up.” His voice cracked, making my own tears spill. “You need to go to him. Take care of him.”
“Who’ll take care of you?” I pulled at his hand to make him look at me.
He gave me a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his moist eyes. “I’ve got Mack and Joey waiting for me. I’ll be okay with them. When I get home I might... I might talk to Dad about the things Drew said. And tomorrow, I’ll call you. But right now, you have to go. Please.”
One comment in a conversation so full of horrible memories brought Jason down. He’d heard some of it before, but both Michael and Drew shielded him from the extent of the heartbreak he caused. I’d never understood why. The first time I spoke to Jason after he hit me, I didn’t hold back. We both wept, transporting ourselves back to that day, and even after, we knew it wasn’t an instant fix for our friendship. It was one step towards getting back to where we were. Or as close as we could after such a huge break of trust. Maybe that was why he was so different with me. We cleared the air completely. I didn’t use the possibility of a relapse as a reason to keep my feelings in. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I wanted my friend back. Without total honesty, I couldn’t see any other way to make it happen.
I nodded. “Okay.” I put my hand up to his cheek, and wiped away a tear with my thumb before heading outside to find Drew.
I ran along the corridor and took the stairs down to the lobby where Mack and Joey stood close to the reception desk, away from the pointed camera lenses waiting to snap them.
“Have you seen Drew?”
“He went out the back exit.” Mack’s eyebrows furrowed with concern. “What happened?”
“Long story. Can one of you go up and check on Jason? I’m sure he’ll fill you in. How do I get out of here?”