“I don’t want anything from you, Ash,” I interrupted. “Keep your money and save it for a deposit on a new place when you’re ready. I just can’t see the sense in you wasting money paying to stay somewhere when I have an unused room. Plus, it’s out of Manchester, away from everything. But mostly, I don’t want you to be alone.”
His eyes didn’t leave mine, almost as if he was searching them to check if I meant what I said. He’d have no luck finding anything but sincerity. I wouldn’t allow him to get lonely if I could help it. If he didn’t want to come, that was fine with me, but I needed him to know I wasn’t just offering out of pity. I was offering because I knew how it felt to lose everything and to feel afraid.
Dropping his head back, Ash let out a sigh before looking back at me again. “I don’t know. I appreciate the offer, but you gave up your Christmas for me. I can’t ask you for anything else.”
“You didn’t ask,” I pointed out. “Ash, come on. Think about it. If you truly think the B&B is the right place for you to be, that’s okay. I’ll take you there when we’re done here. But I want you to consider what I’m offering. Just think about it.”
As I walked into Evie’s house, I still felt a bit uneasy. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much she’d done for me. Sitting with me on Christmas Day, Boxing Day, visiting every day and bringing me stuff until I was released from hospital. Even coming back to the flat with me. That shouldn’t have been on her, but she did it without a second thought. But this? Her offering me her spare room? I hadn’t expected that. It seemed like too much. More than I should have taken from her.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about that one thing. Being alone. I knew I’d have to face it at some point. I wasn’t trying to avoid it forever, but my thoughts. They were dangerous. They’d drifted back to Natalie way more than they should have when I was lying in a hospital bed, and even though I was still so angry with her for everything, that nagging voice in my mind wouldn’t quit. It kept telling me everything that had happened was down to me. It kept telling me that I needed her, and that without her, my life would be shit.
I was pretty sure she had said those words to me many times. It was always her voice I heard in my head. If I was left alone, then what? Would I let that voice take over? Would I go back?
I liked to think I wouldn’t have been so stupid, but the fact was, I just wasn’t used to being without her. Leaving the flat had been a relief, but at the same time, it was familiar. Not the good kind, but sometimes, the things you know, however bad, are better than being cut adrift with no idea what to do next.
When Evie had asked me to stay, I’d given her all my reasons why I shouldn’t. Sometimes I wondered if she thought I was as pathetic as Natalie did. Always with the excuses. And with every excuse, I wondered if Evie thought I was protesting too much, pretending I didn’t want to go when I really did. Because second guessing my every word and thought was what I did best.
From what I knew of Evie, I guessed she took things at face value. And more than that, she seemed to understand how my mind worked, probably because she’d been in the same kind of position once. Wanting help but not knowing how to ask. Feeling lonely, but not knowing how to fix it.
“Are you okay?” Evie asked, and I realised I’d frozen by the closed door, right in front of it in the hallway.
I blinked, gripping onto my suitcase and hoping I’d find my way back to reality soon, before Evie took me back to the hospital and re-admitted me.
“I am,” I said. “Just… it’s been a long day.”
She nodded. “I know. You want another cup of tea before I show you around?”
“Please.”
I needed to thaw out a bit anyway. It was cold outside, but Evie’s house was warm. Much like her.
I let go of my suitcase. “Is it okay to leave this here?” I asked, trying to keep the nervousness from my voice.
“Of course. We can take it upstairs later.” She smiled. “Follow me.”
She turned and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. As I walked by, there was a closed door to my right, and a slightly open one next to it, which I guessed was the living room. To the right, stairs ran up against the wall.
When I reached the kitchen, Evie stood by the kettle and flicked the switch, and I looked around. It was a small kitchen, but off the back of it there was a conservatory which was carpeted and housed two large beige sofas and a coffee table. It looked out onto a small patch of grass with a rotary washing line closed up in the middle. The kitchen itself was neat and tidy. The cupboards were made of light-coloured wood, and the counter tops were black marble. All of the appliances were dark to match the units.
Evie watched me for a moment as I hovered in the doorway, looking around.
“I know this is all a bit unexpected, but while you’re here, you can treat this place like it’s yours. There are drawers and a wardrobe in the spare room, so you can unpack, and if you want something to eat or drink, help yourself. Same with washing. If you want anything throwing in the washing machine, go ahead. You can use whatever you want. The TV is in the living room, and there’s one in the spare room too if you want to be on your own. And I’ll give you the Wi-Fi code in a minute.”
How was she so chill? She’d invited me into her home like it was nothing, like it was easy to just trust that I wasn’t going to wreck everything, like I’d done in my own flat.
At least, according to Natalie I had.
“Ash,” she said with a small laugh as she reached up to the overhead cupboard to get two cups. “Relax.”
I shook my head. “I guess I’m not used to this level of trust. At the flat, some days, if I crumpled a cushion, I was in trouble. She wanted me to do everything, but she hovered around, watching while I used the washing machine or the dishwasher.”
“Well,” Evie said, placing teabags into the cups, “it’s not like that around here. If you wanna wash up, go ahead.” She laughed again. “I don’t have a dishwasher, so any help there is welcome.”
I felt some tension leaving my shoulders and the back of my neck at the sound of her laugh. “I’ll do my best. Just… ignore me if I get weird sometimes.”
Because I knew I would. I knew I’d ask for permission for every damn thing for at least the first couple of days. Probably lo
nger.