'Oh, Ben...'
'The sad thing is, her partying didn't really bother me.' His tone was almost conversational as he related the tale. 'By then we both knew that we'd made a mistake. She suddenly discovered that there was a whole life out there that she'd missed by being with me from such a young age. I discovered that I needed more in a partner than a pretty face. I didn't mind her going out, and I was more than happy to care for Hannah. I even rationalised it to myself. She'd been in all day with the baby so she had a right to go out in the evenings.'
'So you were staying together because of Hannah?'
'I suppose so.' He gave a brief shrug. 'Plenty of couples do that. And then one day she called me to say that she wanted to go out that evening and needed me to be home. I promised to do my best, but we had a major pile-up to deal with and I was delayed in A and E.'
'Go on.' Ellie's voice was barely a whisper as she prompted him, afraid of what she was going to hear.
He straightened and breathed out heavily. 'I was just about ready to leave when the ambulance arrived with more RTA victims. This time it was my wife and daughter.'
'Oh, Ben…' She covered her mouth with her hand and tried to resist the temptation to put her arms around him. It was clear from his body language that he didn't want to be touched.
'She'd grown tired of waiting for me so she went to the party anyway and took Hannah with her. Only she didn't fasten the straps of her car seat properly and she didn't bother with her own seat belt at all.' His face was a mask, not a single emotion showing as he related the tale. 'My wife was killed instantly and my daughter died of severe injuries in Resus and I couldn't do a damn thing to save her.'
His face was blank of emotion and she felt tears lodge her throat, threatening to choke her.
'Oh, no…' Unable to contain herself any longer, she slipped her arms around him, ignoring the fact that he didn't respond.
No wonder he'd left A and E for two years. No wonder he couldn't bear to be in Resus. The memories must be horrendous. Too much for anyone to bear.
'So now you know.'
'Does anyone else know?'
'Sean and Ally. That's why they're always trying to interfere with my life. They think that a new relationship can take the pain away. They're wrong.'
Ellie reached up and stroked his face gently. 'Why didn't you tell me sooner?'
'What difference would it have made?'
'Doesn't it help to talk?'
'Nothing helps,' he said shortly. 'Time is supposed to heal, but it doesn't seem to have done a very good job in my case. I suppose that's the guilt.'
'Guilt?' She looked at him in astonishment. 'What do you mean, guilt?'
'I should never have married her, or left her on her own.' Ben pulled away and paced towards the lake, kicking a stone onto the frozen surface and watching as it slid away from them. 'She wanted an exciting life, and I was working too hard to give her what she needed.'
'But that wasn't your fault, Ben.'
'I had reservations about her age and lack of experience when I married her,' he pointed out grimly. 'It turned out that I was right.'
'But the way she was, the way she behaved, had nothing to do with age,' Ellie reasoned. 'It was her personality. And that was her responsibility, not yours. It was she who let Ha
nnah down, not you.'
There was a long pause and then he turned to face her, his eyes haunted. 'Every time I walk into Resus I see her little body. I couldn't save her.'
'You're the best doctor I've ever worked with. If you couldn't save her then no one could have saved her,' Ellie said softly, 'and that's the most dreadful, sad thing to have to live with. But it doesn't make the blame yours. Think of all the people that you have saved over the years, like that little girl last night. Because of you, she's alive. You've made a difference to so many people's lives.'
His fists were clenched by his sides. 'But not my daughter's.'
'You're a brilliant doctor, Ben. Probably the best I've ever worked with.' Her voice trembled with sincerity as she spoke. 'But you're not God. You can't perform miracles. If she was that badly injured, no one could have saved her.'
'I let her down.'
'No.' Ellie's eyes were brimming with tears. 'You were the very best father. How can you doubt that?'