No, not that.
He couldn’t be saying that to her. Not here. Not now.
Before she’d discovered she was pregnant, I love you were the words she’d been desperate to hear, but now they were the words she was desperate not to hear because hearing them just made everything so much worse.
‘Patrick—’
‘I haven’t finished. There’s something else I want to say to you
.’ He let his hands drop and when he lifted them again he was holding a velvet box. ‘I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife.’
Her hands still wet from the pool water, Hayley stared at the box in stunned silence and then at his face.
She stared into those blue eyes and then back down at the box. ‘You—I…’
With a soft laugh he opened the box and removed a ring. A beautiful diamond solitaire. ‘Marry me, Hayley.’ He took the ring out of the box, slid it onto her finger—and she didn’t even stop him.
For a moment—just for a moment—she wanted to know what that ring would look like on her finger. She wanted to dream.
And then she remembered that dreams only happened while you were asleep. That was why they were called dreams.
And she was wide awake.
‘I can’t marry you, Patrick,’ she said in a choked voice. ‘I can’t do that.’ She sensed his shock.
‘I know it’s a bit sudden,’ he said carefully. ‘I know we haven’t known each other that long—but it’s right, Hayley. You know it is. Say yes.’
‘I can’t, Patrick.’ She stared down at the ring he’d placed on her finger. It sparkled under the lights, the diamond winking at her, as if taunting her with what she couldn’t have. ‘I can’t marry you, Patrick.’
‘Is this because of what I said to you the day you arrived? I know I was tactless and insensitive.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘I know I upset you by assuming you must be pregnant—’
‘Patrick, I am pregnant.’ Her voice rose. ‘I am pregnant, OK? I’m pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. I’m having your baby. So now do you understand that it’s all hopeless? All of it. And it can’t ever work.’ Tears falling down her cheeks, she tugged at the ring—the ring that had been on her finger for less than two minutes—and pushed it blindly into his hand.
She waited for him to say something but he was silent and his silence was like a vicious blow.
What had she expected?
She’d known what his reaction would be.
‘Please.’ She gave up waiting for him to speak. ‘Please—do me a favour and don’t come back on the labour ward while I’m here. I just can’t—I need to pull myself together—I won’t be unprofessional.’ She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and made for the door. ‘As soon as this shift is over, I’ll go home and pack. I’m sorry, Patrick. I’m sorry for all of it.’
Ruth didn’t deliver until the early hours of the morning and Hayley stayed with her, offering support, enjoying her moment of happiness, which was even more poignant given how thrilled Ruth’s husband was.
Afterwards she drank a cup of tea on her own in the staffroom, wondering what would happen when her time came.
Would she be alone? Or would some kind midwife be willing to sit with her through the night while she laboured?
It was still dark outside when she finally arrived back at Patrick’s barn and Hayley crept up to her bedroom, packed her one small suitcase and lay fully clothed on top of the bed until it seemed like a reasonable time to call a taxi.
Maybe she was being cowardly, leaving while everyone was still in bed, but she couldn’t face an emotional departure.
She’d written letters to the children and left them on the table in the kitchen. She’d tried to write a letter to Patrick but after about fifty attempts she’d given up.
At some point they’d have to talk, of course. They needed to sort out what they were going to do. He’d want access to his child and she wanted that, too. She didn’t want their child growing up not knowing his or her father.
And she’d do the right thing. Make it as easy as she could for everyone—try and get a job close by. Not too local—that would be asking too much—but close enough.
The crunch of tyres in the drive told her that the taxi had arrived and she took a last look around the barn before stepping out into the snow and closing the door behind her.