“Why weren’t the authorities involved?”
“I don’t really know. My mother was good at doing just enough, I guess. We slipped through the cracks. By the time my sister was six months old, I was doing almost everything for her. I went from being the loneliest child on the planet to the happiest. I loved her. And she loved me back. The first word she spoke was Em, and she used to follow me everywhere and sleep in my bed.”
“Sounds like Rachel.” His voice was low. “Drove me crazy. It was like trying to shake off a burr that had stuck to your clothes.”
“Yes.” Her whole body ached with remembering. “I loved it. I loved holding her. Most of all I loved being outdoors with her. I hated our apartment so much. It was cramped, airless, and everything bad happened there. I was the one who begged my mother to take us to the beach. We lived close, but we never went. Spent our days cooped up in one room while she drank her way through whatever money she could scrounge from men.” She breathed. “She wasn’t a prostitute, not officially, but she’d discovered early on that men liked her body, and sleeping with them was a useful way to get what she wanted. It took me years to see that she had a low opinion of herself. That she didn’t think she had anything to offer except a pair of breasts that made men stupid.”
“This is why you dress in black and wear your shirts buttoned up to the neck?”
“Sometimes my curves are all men see. Or they see them first, and make judgments. I discovered it was best to take them out of the equation.”
“Honey, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but buttoning your shirt up to the neck doesn’t hide the fact you have an incredible body—but we’ll come to that part later.” He tightened his grip on her shoulders. “Finish your story.”
“On that particular day she agreed to take us. I don’t know why. Parenting wasn’t her thing, but it was sunny, and by then she was very pregnant with Lana. I guess she thought she could sleep on the beach as easily as she could sleep at home. I remember pulling a blanket from the bed to sit on. Katy had just started walking, and I thought the sand would be a soft landing.”
“The moment we got there, my mother fell asleep.” She felt his arm tighten, as if he knew she was getting to the bad part. “I was pleased. She was always angry and I thought we’d have more fun together with her asleep. Katy and I played in the sand, and then Mom woke up and went for a walk.”
“She left you?”
“Technically she was never looking after us, but at least until that point she was there. I remember feeling anxious. We lived a short bus ride away, and I didn’t know how to get home. And then I saw her sitting in a bar with some guy I’d never seen before. She was nine months pregnant. Can you believe that?”
“He approached her?”
“Maybe. Or maybe she saw him sitting there and thought he looked like someone she could easily part from the contents of his wallet. I carried on playing and next time I looked I couldn’t see her anywhere.”
His arm was still around her, and he moved his thumb up and down her arm, the gesture soothing and sympathetic. “That must have been terrifying.”
“Not at first. You’re forgetting, that was my normal. I was used to being unsupervised.”
“Didn’t anyone on the beach notice that you were on your own?”
“Yes. A woman with a child about the same age as Katy came over to me and asked if we were all right and where our mother was. I’d been watching their family, copying some of the things they were doing. The dad kept lifting the child in the air and swinging her around until she was helpless with giggles. I tried to do it with Katy, but she was too heavy and I couldn’t swing her high enough to make it fun.”
“Did you tell her you were on your own?”
“No. My mother had told me over and over again that if I was ever asked, I was to say everything was fine. She said that if I didn’t do that, they might take Katy away.”
His hand stilled
. “They might have taken you away, too.”
She swallowed. “I wish they had. I’ve thought about it over and over again. I wish I’d said to that woman, ‘I don’t know where my mother is.’ I wish they’d taken Katy, even if it meant I never saw her again, because at least I’d know she was alive. That was the day I first realized my situation was unusual. I remember looking around the beach at the families and thinking that although those families all looked different, they had one thing in common. There was an adult in charge. Until that moment, I hadn’t been aware that we weren’t normal. ‘Normal’ is the life you’re living, isn’t it? This was how it was for us, so I assumed this was how it was for everyone.”
“Your mother didn’t come back?”
“Not right then. Katy was bored and she kept trying to eat the sand. I had to find a way of occupying her, so I carried her to the sea. I thought I’d put her toes in the water. I didn’t intend to go in deeper, but she loved it so much and she was squealing and wanting more, so I carried her in until I was up to my knees.”
“There were other people around you?”
“Yes. It was busy. We splashed for a while, and then we went a little deeper and—” Her heart was pumping hard. “I don’t know what happened next. Maybe the beach shelved sharply, or maybe someone had dug a deep hole. Either way I stepped and there was nothing under my feet. I felt the water rush into my nose and ears, and I tried to find the bottom but it wasn’t there, so then I tried to push Katy up so that she could breathe, but she was too heavy and my arms couldn’t hold her.” She felt it again, the rush of the water and the feeling of panic and utter helplessness. “I kicked and struggled, but I could feel the water pulling me. It was so powerful.”
“You were caught in a rip current.”
“I don’t remember anything else until I came around on the beach. I remember being sick, and all these adults crowded around me. I looked around for Katy, but she wasn’t there. I must have let go of her when I lost consciousness. They mounted a search and found her—”
She felt his arms come around her, heard him murmur I’m so sorry, and you poor baby, against her hair, while he held her tightly.
“Then my mother reappeared. She was hysterical, but looking back on it, I don’t think it was because of Katy. I think it was because she was afraid she might be charged with neglect.”