But unexpected pregnancies did tend to age relationships. I remembered, on reflection, that even my mom and Mike got less formal as soon as Sarah got pregnant. Dealing with something like that just doesn't allow for formality. If you don't know each other well enough to dispose of formalities, you don't know each other well enough to fight that kind of situation for your relationship.
Derek and I did talk the next day, but nothing had changed. He still didn’t want to acknowledge our problems and I still wasn’t willing to turn a blind eye. If we were doomed to fail, I wanted to know as soon as possible, because the longer we held on, the more it was going to hurt when it finally did end.
Not that I wanted it to end, but I also knew that loving somebody shouldn’t be that hard so soon. Yes, couples had problems, but after only a couple months? That was like signing up for marriage counseling before leaving for your honeymoon.
Looking at it sensibly, I was still glad that I had been involved with Derek. Even if we did end, even if our time was about up, he had still been an important person in my life. After all, even though he didn't know it, he had pretty much been the person to make me realize I had to go to college.
It depressed me to realize I was already thinking of us as past tense, and I truly didn't want it to be over, but I didn't want to get my hopes up just to be let down. It wouldn't do either one of us any good.
I felt myself beginning to pull away from Derek, maybe not intentionally, but as an unconscious attempt to protect myself. It was surprisingly easy since I rarely got to see him.
There had been a moment Monday at school when Derek and I saw each other, and we just kind of looked at each other for a second, then he gave me that smile that still made my heart skip and started toward me, causing me to smile a little as I started walking toward him.
But he only made it halfway before Kayla rushed to his side, holding open a little book and stealing his attention.
My smile faded and I stopped walking, instead watching as she pointed out something in what was unmistakably a baby name book.
Before Derek had a chance to look back up at me, I was gone.
We didn't get a chance to talk in class, and we didn't see each other again until lunch. After I got my food I went to his table to sit with him, but even the peck on the lips I got left me feeling a little disappointed.
I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation at the table and I was in a pensive mood that day, so I merely observed as Derek interacted with his friends, feeling a little sad every time he would flash that smile or laugh—God, I loved his smile.
"Hey," Derek said, knocking me out of my thoughts.
"Hm?" I murmured, glancing up at him.
He took my hand under the table and placed a kiss on my forehead, causing me to smile a little. "Don't look so depressed, I'm starting to think you don't like me."
"Of course I like you," I said, squeezing his hand a little. "I was just thinking."
"Well, stop thinking," he advised, his eyes twinkling a little.
"I just wish things were different," I told him qui
etly.
"Me too," he agreed, nodding a little. "But it'll be okay. You'll see. It may be complicated, but we can work through the complications if we really want to."
I half smiled. "I feel like I've heard that advice before."
"You have," he said. "The letter your mom wrote..."
Oh, that's right. She had told Mike that they could work through any complications if he wanted to.
"Just stop worrying about it," he said.
"It's hard," I told him.
"Well, nobody ever said it would be easy, Nikki. Relationships seldom are."
"Relationships involving situations like ours?"
"Even harder," he said with a slight nod. "But that doesn't mean it can't be done."
"What are you two talking about over there?" asked one of his friends. "I'm feeling left out."
Derek gave me a little smile and squeezed my hand under the table, returning to whatever inane conversation his friends were having.