And it somehow seemed easier than I expected...
That was where I always dug my heels in the ground and refused to think past that point. I couldn't seem to decide if I wanted to forgive him. What kind of woman would that make me? Would I be doing what my mother did? I didn't ever want to repeat her mistakes, and I knew she had been willing to forgive Mike just so she could have him.
Thinking about it aggravated me so much.
I liked my callous attitude toward love and men; it kept me safe. What I didn't like was having to acknowledge that I actually cared about Derek enough to question that attitude, possibly even make an exception.
I knew that was a bad idea. I wasn't supposed to make exceptions. I was supposed to stay strong, to resist. I was supposed to be stronger than my mother had been, not let a danger to my heart inside my protective walls.
And there I found myself, telling Derek it was okay if he knocked up other girls, I still wanted to be with him.
What self-respecting woman would even be willing to do something like that? A year earlier, I would have laughed –hysterically—if someone would’ve tried to tell me I would be doing that. Not me. I was smarter than that, I had my self-respect, and I was safe, always making smart, sensible choices.
What had happened to that girl?
But I knew the answer before I asked it. She lost her head, let her guard down, and fell in love.
Stupid girl.
Honestly, when I thought about all I was willing to sacrifice, I would withdraw, not even want to be around Derek. I would start to think of him as a drug of some sort. Maybe I was addicted, and that was why I was making such poor choices. Maybe if I just had time away from him my head would clear and I would be myself again.
But then he would smile at me, and I would be struck helpless by the way those blue eyes twinkled at me, by the smile lines around his mouth. Or worse, he would touch me, pull me close, and it would only take one sideways glance, one affectionate squeeze, and I realized I didn't want to pull away from him.
Maybe he was an addiction.
But maybe I didn't want to get over it.
After all, for all that I thought I had it all figured out, none of my views of what I should do as a self-respecting young woman felt nearly as good as when he would call me "hon."
Then there was Kayla. While Derek only seemed to bring me to this happy, oblivious little bubble, Kayla was always there to jerk me back to reality. Derek may have officially broken up with her, but she seemed to think it was still her job to be a royal pain in his ass. I actually caught her demanding money a couple times so she could stop and get something to eat after school. This made my blood pressure rise a little bit, but she just smiled, took his money and said affectionately, "For the baby."
It took a couple weeks before I felt that Derek and I were finally settling into our newly rearranged positions.
Even though it drove me a little crazy, Derek was still working two jobs. When I suggested that it was too much, that he shouldn't be doing so much work all the time, he told me the only way he was going to get to go to college even part-time was if he saved up enough money to pay for whatever the baby needed, and whatever books he might need for school.
"Part-time?" I asked, frowning.
He nodded. "My dad's going to help me out with school and everything, but even excluding tuition, I still have to buy books and cover normal expenses like food, gas... maybe even rent, I don't know. I don't exactly know how this is going to work now."
"I thought you were going to school full-time. You had a plan, Derek," I told him, bothered that he changed it without even telling me.
"Well, I know that Nikki, but a baby wasn't in that plan. Babies aren't free," he told me.
"I'm aware of that. That's where child support comes in, but I still don't see what this has to do with you not going to school."
"Kayla's mom doesn't even have insurance, Nikki. Kayla has no insurance. When the time comes, I have to help her pay for the hospital bill, I have to help her buy a crib and... whatever else babies need."
"But if you only go part-time it's going to take you four years just to get your associate's degree. What about transferring?" I asked.
I hadn't told him, but part of the reason I was so bothered by him changing up the plan was that I had started to make a plan. He talked to me about college so much that he made me start to think maybe I shouldn't just shrug it off, maybe I should check into it, see about what kinds of grants or scholarships I could get to help me pay for it. But the plan had been to go to school with Derek and Steph, and if Derek only went part-time, he was going to be two years behind me.
But instead of reassuring me that he was still going to go through with college, no matter what, he simply shrugged tiredly and said, "I don't know."
I let the subject drop for the moment, but I still wasn't happy.
Not only was Kayla trying to hold our relationship back, she was even holding him back in terms of his future.
Then again, I had to acknowledge that unexpected pregnancies probably often led to such sacrifices; at least he was willing to make them. It said something for his character, but I hated to admit that, because I realized it was similar to the sacrifice Mike had made. Mike's sacrifice had been greater, as he sacrificed his happiness and the woman he loved, but I condemned him for that, so how could I give Derek credit for something so similar?