Somehow a world where I would never see that twinkle in Derek's blue eyes just seemed wrong. It seemed like something amazing would have to be missing from that world, like there would be a palpable emptiness that I would feel every day.
But I never spent time thinking about that. Even though getting Derek out of my life was the mission, I always avoided thinking about it, because it made me get a tight feeling in my chest that didn't seem healthy.
Instead, I focused on the "new beginning" aspect. A new state, a new town, a new school, and endless possibilities in my future. I was going to make it out of that small town, and I was going to do something in the world. I didn't know what yet, but the details weren't important. What was important was that I was not going to turn into my mother. I loved her despite her many flaws, but I wasn't going to waste my life the way that she did.
I deserved better, that's what Alex told me.
Sometimes when he was feeling brave he would even give me a little smile and tell me that I would love again, and someday I would get past Derek.
I didn't tell him that he was wrong.
Maybe he wasn't.
But I thought he was. Love was no longer a goal in my life. I had been there, I had done that, and it had been a bad idea.
Plus, as of the week of graduation I still hadn't gotten my heart back, so I didn't see how Alex expected me to give it to someone else.
Nobody knew that either, naturally. I had decided to keep up appearances and let everyone think I was okay. While most people noticed I was a little sad—I wasn't that talented of an actress, but I figured with practice there would be hope for me in my new life—I never let anyone see the depth of my pain. Even I tried not to acknowledge it, but after putting on the show for Alex and everyone at school, sometimes I was too tired to keep it up when I was alone.
Stephanie and I drifted apart. It sucked, because she was really my only friend since Andy and I broke up, but it simply wasn't possible. The stress of being torn between me and Kayla had been really hard on her, and she was just one more person to try to convince I was okay anyway. Besides, once I went off to college I knew I would never see her or talk to her, so why cause a rift between her and Kayla when I would be leaving anyway?
I was used to being on my own; I knew I would be okay.
One thing I knew how to do was take care of myself, and Alex was being more supportive than he ever had, so I had every advantage.
Graduation day itself was the worst.
The plan had always been not to tell Derek that I was leaving, because Alex was afraid he would make some sort of power-play at the last second if he knew I was really going away.
As hard as it was to imagine saying goodbye to Derek, I didn't know if it would really be easier if I didn't. Could I ever have closure if I never properly ended the chapter?
I didn't know if I would really have closure anyway, because in my heart I still felt that I was the one he wanted. As long as I believed that, would I ever really be able to let it go? Would I ever stop wondering what might have been?
During my last days at the bookstore, I fought with myself over whether or not I wanted to say goodbye to Derek. It seemed that every time I walked down the classics aisle there was a copy of Wuthering Heights just staring me down. "Buy me," it said, bringing to mind the old battered copy that my mother had given to Mike right before her death.
I wasn't dying, but as far as Derek was concerned I may as well be. I was going to fall out of his life just as completely, vanish without a trace.
The weekend before graduation, I gave in and bought the book, not making a decision one way or the other about actually giving it to Derek, but figuring with my life I could never really own too many copies of that particular book.
As I donned my cap and gown on graduation day, I discreetly peeked into my purse where the new copy of Wuthering Heights had been stashed. I had already decided that if I saw him I would give it to him—I couldn't convince myself that I brought the book for light reading between names—but I still hadn't decided if I should tell him I was leaving.
I was far enough past Derek that I knew falling back in—even if possible—would be bad. For one thing, even though it lit a fire in my soul, he and Kayla were back together. I was sure that it was just because it was easier, not because he wanted to be, but that really didn't make me feel a whole lot better. Telling myself I was the one who let him go was also not helpful, as I had tried that a few times when I realized seeing them together made my fists clench and my blood boil.
I was leaving.
It didn't matter what Derek did.
Soon, I wouldn't even know what he was doing.
If I told him goodbye, there was probably about a 90 percent chance that he’d just tell me goodbye too. He would probably look a little sad, and it would tug at my heartstrings and make me want to cry, but nothing would change.
Even if he asked me to stay I knew that I couldn't.
There was nothing to be done. He was going to have a child, it wasn't going to be mine, and apparently he could never be mine.
Fair? No. But life wasn't.
I knew that because Kayla had been able to steal away everything that mattered to me because the egg had been fertilized.