I saw him crack a smile before I closed my door.
We didn't communicate very much, and it had been awkward at first when I would wake up to see strange, half-naked women parading through my house, so I established a little game to make it less awkward. I knew Alex was promiscuous, my mother had documented that particular fact quite well, and although he didn't know I got the game from her, she had been the one to make it up. Instead of being offended when Alex would flirt with, check out or make out with other girls, she would grade them on a scale of one to ten. She would describe the girl in the journal and write whatever her grade was. It was her private way of mocking him, and it was mine too, although I actually shared the grade with him, and sometimes he would actually disagree and argue his case.
Stephanie ended up calling me a little later, and she asked me what had happened, why I hadn't stayed the night like I had been planning.
Part of me wanted to confide in her, but since Derek was involved with her best friend, I kept it to myself. "Oh, I decided just to go home. I’d had a little too much to drink and my dad called, so I told him he could just come get me."
"Oh, really? I wondered. One minute you were sitting on the couch doing shots with Derek, of all people, and the next time I turned around I couldn't find you."
"It was him I was doing shots with?" I asked before I could stop myself.
"Oh yeah. The drunker you got, the more it amused him. He even spoke to me last night, he was in such a pleasant mood. He comes over and he's like," she adopted a deeper voice, "'Nikki's drunk as fuck over here,' and then he laughed."
Even though I hated him, I felt a pang of regret that I had missed out on that. I had never actually seen Derek in a good mood before, and I thought it might be kind of like seeing a unicorn.
"But Kayla threw me, too, she said she thought she saw you and Derek go upstairs together." Stephanie laughed at the absurdity of the idea. "Can you even imagine?"
I managed to laugh, but I don't know how convincing I was. "Yeah, like that would happen," I agreed half-heartedly.
Since I had to work that day, I used that as an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I felt bad, but I really didn't want to think about that party.
As I was donning my Wendy's hat I heard Alex tap on my door, so I opened it up. "Yes?"
"Here," he said, handing me a box of condoms.
I blushed and shook my head. "Um, I don't really..."
"Take them. Just please don't come home pregnant; I'd hate to have to push my own daughter down a flight of stairs."
I rolled my eyes but took the box of condoms anyway. "That's a terrible joke," I informed him.
I swear I heard him mutter, "Who's joking?" as he walked
away, but he had just brought something to my attention.
I sure hoped Derek had had the common sense to put on a condom, because aside from the horrible possibility of spawning his children, he could be all gross and diseased.
Unfortunately, there was no way I could address the condom concern, because of course I didn't have his phone number, I wasn't welcome to pop up at his house, and I wouldn't be seeing him until Monday at school.
Andy called me that night and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie, and I had been planning on saying no, not wanting to experience all the guilt I was sure to feel, but somehow I ended up saying yes.
I was relieved when his mother sat down to watch the movie with us, because my guilt didn't seem to bother me when we were just near each other, I was only bothered when he would try to be affectionate. I don't know if it was the guilt or what, but it literally made me shudder. Since I didn't want him to witness me shuddering over his touch, I decided to avoid his affection altogether.
Andy wanted me to stay and come upstairs after the movie, but I told him I was tired and I really just wanted to go to sleep. He took me home, but asked me if I would come to church with him the next morning. I told him I couldn't, because I had to take Alex and drop him off at work so I could use his car to take myself to work, which wasn't true, but I really did do it often enough that it sounded true. Truthfully, I just knew I couldn't possibly sit in a church with Andy after what I had done with Derek the night before.
As I walked to school Monday morning, I thought about what was going to happen when I saw Derek. Would he treat me differently? Would people notice? Had he lied to me, and really he had already shared the video with anyone who wanted to see it? Did he really even have a video, or was he just manipulating me? Part of me wanted to call his bluff, but just in case he wasn't bluffing, I wasn't willing to gamble like that. I would find out if there was a video one way or another, but I had to play it safe.
That thought caused me to scoff.
Safe. I had thrown out my safety net the minute I entered that bedroom with Derek.
No, I told myself firmly, that wasn't true. I just had to figure out how to control the situation. Derek needed to get his revenge, and he was choosing a rather perverted way to do it, but if I humored him, let him get whatever closure he needed and get bored with me, then he would destroy the evidence, and my life would return to its normal state of safety. He could go on hating me until the day he died, for all I cared.
Bastard.
I got to school too soon for my taste, although in reality I was almost late, and I took a deep breath before walking in to face whatever I was about to face.
It felt like everybody was staring at me, but I told myself I was just being paranoid. People had always stared at me. My mother had been the town's version of American Psycho, and I was her offspring, which meant I was probably a demented freak.