‘Oh, Tom...’ She sighed up at him. ‘It was the way you asked me. As though you were worried about a child, or my reputation. I didn’t want to make you marry me for such reasons as those. Marriage is such a big step for both of us to take, we have to go into it for the right reasons. The kind of reasons that made Harriet marry Graveney, in the end, except without all the books. I want you to love me the way Blanchards loves Gussie—’ She gave a swift frown. ‘But without all the smothering. I think you do want to marry me for the right reasons, don’t you, Tom, or you wouldn’t have said all that about no other woman being able to replace me in your heart, even if you did take them to bed, would you?’
‘I thought you only wanted to be my mistress. I thought...’ He grimaced, swallowed and shook his head.
‘I would rather live with you as your mistress than live without you, that is true. But whichever future you choose for us, Tom, I am certainly not going to abandon you to the fate you just spoke to me of. Going around with a brave smile on your face, sleeping with all sorts of women whose names you won’t even remember because they won’t be me, bleeding inside from a grievous wound.’ She clucked her tongue in disapproval. ‘So much unnecessary suffering. Besides the guilt you will always bear for breaking my heart.’
‘Breaking your heart? No, Sarah, I would die before harming so much as a hair on your head.’
Their eyes held for a moment, and then, on a surge of mutual relief and joy, they kissed.
‘There’s just one thing you should know,’ said Sarah, dragging her lips from his. ‘Justin is set against our match. And he’s going to cut off my allowance. I don’t know if he can stop me from laying claim to the capital when I reach thirty years of age, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t at least try to prevent you from touching one penny of my fortune.’
‘Fortune? You have a fortune?’
‘Yes. Rather a substantial one. You didn’t know?’
‘Oh, good God, he’s going to think I’m a fortune hunter now on top of everything else.’ Tom groaned.
But she began to smile. He hadn’t known a thing about it.
‘Why are you smiling?’
‘Because the thought of my fortune doesn’t tempt you. Not one bit. When it is all any of the other suitors got excited about.’
‘Well, they were all idiots,’ he said gruffly, tightening his arms about her. ‘If they couldn’t see what a treasure you are,’ he added, huffing into the crown of her head.
She hugged him hard.
‘Tom? You really do love me, don’t you? You don’t care about me coming to you without a penny to my name.’
‘Well, it won’t make any difference to me, will it? I’ve never had a penny to my name. But you...’ He put her away from him a little, so he could look down into her face. ‘It’s going to be very hard for you, living on my pay. I won’t be able to give you any of the things you’re used to.’
‘You will be giving me things I’ve never had, though. Like respect. And confidence. And the knowledge that I’m loved, really loved, just as I am.’
‘Of course you are.’ He cupped her cheek. Gazed into her eyes in such a worshipful manner that she melted with longing.
He kissed her again. With a reverence that made her feel so strong, she could conquer the world.
‘You do realise,’ he said, after all too brief a time, ‘that your brother, as my commanding officer, is not likely to give his permission, don’t you? I will have to resign from the British army.’
‘Oh...’ She pouted. ‘Actually, he did warn me about that. But, I wonder...’ She glanced up at him through her lashes. ‘After the way I threatened to become your mistress if you weren’t of a mind to marry me, he might change his mind about that. I should think he will be extremely relieved we intend to make things respectable.’
‘Well, that’s just where you are out. For one thing, we wouldn’t be respectably married. The shame of my background would mean you would always be subject to gossip—’
‘Pah! Much I care about that.’
He shook his head sadly. ‘Tell me, did he look as though he was keen on my marrying you, when you left Lord Randall? Or was he foaming at the mouth and uttering threats of what he’d do when he got his hands on me?’
She looked abashed. ‘Well, yes, he was very angry whenever I mentioned you, in any capacity. But—’
He shook his head again. ‘The only way we are likely to be able to marry is if we elope. Your family may cut you out of their lives, Sarah, for defying them. And I will have to exchange into another regiment. Or even, God forbid, sell my services to some foreign power. And since there has already been one traitor to the crown in the family, we will become notorious, I should think. Could you live like that?’ He gripped both her hands in his and looked her straight in the eyes. ‘Could you become a disgraced exile from your family, your country? Just so you could be with me?’
She sucked her lower lip between her teeth. ‘Are you trying to back out of marrying me, Tom? Is that why you’re painting such a bleak picture of our future?’
‘No. Goodness, no! But I really would be a rogue,’ he bit out, ‘of the worst sort, to casually condemn you to such a life. I knew it, the moment I’d proposed. That was why I didn’t press you,’ he said, grasping her shoulders gently. ‘Not because I was unwilling, or only proposing out of guilt because I may have made you pregnant, but because I really, truly believed you would be better off without me. I didn’t want you to feel trapped and dragged into a future of shame and penury.’
Tears slowly welled up in her eyes. His insides hollowed out. He’d made her see, at last, what the cost of marrying him was going to be. He’d made her face reality. What a foolhardy thing to do! She’d leave him now, for sure.
But then, to his amazement, she flung her arms round his waist again.