Tom soon grew tired of alternately pacing and looking out of the window. So he dragged a chair to a vantage point from where he could spot Sarah the moment she turned into the street.
His heart leapt at his first sight of her. Though he couldn’t tell anything about her mood from the way she was walking. She might have been any society miss, returning demurely home from church.
Which just went to show how deceptive appearances could be.
‘Well?’ He fired the question at her the moment she came into their room. ‘How did it go?’
‘About as well as anyone could expect,’ she said with a wry smile as she drew off her gloves.
His heart plunged like a horse refusing a hedge. That little touch of sadness in her brave smile was like an alarm bell, clanging in his head. He wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to tell him.
‘Justin...well, at least he told me how Gideon died. More or less everything, I think, which was surprising, considering the way he has always brushed me aside before. Oh, not that he was ever actually unkind. It was just that his eyes would always skate over me, as though he had neither the time, nor the patience, to bother with such an insipid little goose.’ She smiled wryly as she untied the strings of her bonnet and tossed it carelessly on to a side table.
‘And I also managed to speak to Adam after the service, and apologise for what I did to him—or at least,’ she corrected herself with a frown, ‘the mischief I tried to do him yesterday.’ She shot him a rueful glance. ‘And don’t ask me to tell you about it, because I am so deeply ashamed of myself I couldn’t bear to repeat it. And by the looks of things, I didn’t succeed in my aim, anyway. Though how a man of his calibre has ended up linked to a girl of that sort,’ she muttered darkly, ‘I cannot think.’
His heart was thundering against his breastbone now. ‘But what did Colonel Randall say about us? You did talk about us?’ He dismissed the cryptic comment about Flint getting tied to some lightskirt. It was what had passed between Sarah and Colonel Randall that concerned him. It had been a risk, letting her go and speak to her brother on her own. Heaven alone knew what arguments the Colonel would have used to induce her to leave him. None of which he could refute, that was the hell of it. Sarah shouldn’t have lived on terms of such intimacy with him this week. Let alone actually permitted him to become her lover. If he was her brother, he’d order her to return to Antwerp at once, then do whatever it took to salvage what he could of her reputation.
‘Of course I did. Oh, Tom,’ she said, before flinging herself on to his chest and wrapping her arms about his waist. He closed his arms round her, hard. Perhaps for the very last time.
‘I thought that knowing how Gideon died would help,’ she said in a muffled voice, since her face was pressed into his shirtfront. ‘And I suppose at least Justin did allay the worst of my fears. But it doesn’t really change anything. He’s still dead. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to come to terms with that.’
‘And why do you think you should? You are always going to feel as if a part of you is missing,’ he said, rocking her gently.
‘Oh, Tom, I knew you would understand. You always understand,’ she said, lifting her head to gaze up at him with her blue eyes full of what looked very much like adoration.
‘How is it that you understand, when nobody else does? You don’t have a twin. You don’t have any family—so how is it that you know what my grief for Gideon is like?’
‘Because I know what I will feel like when you leave me,’ he grated, past the huge lump that had formed in his throat. ‘A part of me will always grieve your loss. There will be a great gaping wound inside me that will never heal. That I will never want to heal,’ he said fervently. ‘Oh, I will wear a smile on my lips so that the world won’t know that I’m bleeding inside. I will flirt with women and no doubt, knowing my nature,’ he said with a bitter smile, ‘I will take fleeting solace in their beds when the loneliness gets too much. But none of them will be you.’
‘What are you saying, Tom? Why should I leave you?’
‘But—you said you wouldn’t marry me.’
‘Ah. Well...’ She took a deep breath. Turned bright pink. ‘Actually, I’ve changed my mind about that.’
‘Have you?’ He shook his head, which seemed to be filled with a strange buzzing sensation. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes,’ she said firmly. ‘If,’ she added, looking suddenly very young and vulnerable, ‘only if you really do want to. If you really love me. You do love me, don’t you Tom?’
‘You know I do. I would die for you.’
‘Much good that would do me,’ she said rather tartly. ‘I have no wish for anything but that you should live with me. And,’ she added, a bit hesitantly, ‘the way you just spoke of what it would be like to live without me gives me hope that you would like it, too.’
‘Yes, I would, more than anything.’
‘Well, then, I need not be afraid to marry you. Even though you have the reputation of a rake. You wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful, or humiliating me by fatheri
ng natural children all over the place, would you?’
‘Absolutely not!’
She sagged into him with relief. ‘Oh, that was so much easier than I’d hoped. I’ve regretted refusing your proposal ever since the words left my lips.’
‘You did?’
‘Yes. But you looked so...’ She shook her head. ‘And I was still so scared, Tom. Or at least, in the habit of being scared of marriage. The refusal came to my mouth without me even thinking about it, really. But when I’d said no, I didn’t feel relieved at all, or as though I’d escaped some terrible fate. I just felt as though I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.’
‘Why didn’t you say so?’