‘Tom!’ Sarah’s voice. What the hell was she doing here? And bearing down on him like an avenging fury, brandishing her frivolous little ivory parasol like a battle standard.
‘How could you!’ Her face was livid. Her voice strident. An officer in a scarlet jacket, who’d been sunning himself on a nearby bench, opened his eyes and frowningly turned his head to see who was disturbing his nap.
‘Sarah, please, keep your voice down,’ he urged her. He’d left her to protect her reputation. But her words were bound to make people think he’d done the very thing he’d almost killed himself to avoid doing.
‘Keep my voice down? Keep my voice down! Ooh, I...’ She gathered herself, like a thundercloud about to burst. ‘I never thought I’d hear you say anything so utterly mealy-mouthed and...and hypocritical. But then I never thought you’d abandon me, either.’
‘I didn’t abandon you,’ he said, taking her arm and towing her towards a deserted walk. ‘I left you a note.’ Over which he’d agonised for what felt like hours. ‘Explaining.’
‘You call that an explanation? Two lines saying Major Flint was right and that you needed to think of duty. Duty!’ She spat the word as though it was a curse. ‘I had no idea where you’d gone.’
He’d had no clear idea where he was going himself.
‘When I got back from my ride and saw your things packed, and your note on the pillow...’ She shuddered. ‘I’ve just spent the morning scouring Brussels for you. And when I couldn’t find you anywhere, I had visions of you lying collapsed in some gutter somewhere. And where do I find you? Strolling about the park as though you haven’t a care in the world!’
‘I’m not exactly strolling.’
‘Don’t be so pedantic! You know what I mean! You said—’ her lower lip quivered ‘—you said you loved me! Tom,’ she said reproachfully. ‘Is this your idea of love?’ Her eyes grew luminous with burgeoning tears. ‘To abandon me, just when I need you the most?’
‘Need me the most?’ His determination to resist her vanished under a wave of dread. He stopped walking, turned to face her, and seized her arms. ‘Has something happened? Your brother? Lord Randall. Is he...’
‘I have no idea how he is. It isn’t that.’ She gulped. ‘You said you loved me. I thought you meant it. I actually thought...’ Her mouth twisted into a bitter line. ‘And then you left. Left me alone. I have nobody in Brussels, Tom, don’t you realise that? Justin is probably dying and Mary won’t let me anywhere near him. Seems to think she has to protect me from him. And Gideon is lying in that revolting coffin, in that hideously cold chapel. Even B-Ben ran off the moment Adam snapped his fingers. I thought at least I could rely on you, Tom.’
‘You can rely on me,’ he said. ‘Can’t you see that I’m trying to do the right thing by you? If I’d stayed with you any longer, now that I’m getting well, I don’t know how long I could have resisted you.’ He gave her a little shake. ‘Just once in my benighted life, I wanted to do the right thing.’
‘I don’t want you to do the right thing.’ She stamped her foot. ‘I don’t want you trying to behave nobly. It isn’t you, Tom. And I want you. And if...’ She lifted her chin, though it was quivering. ‘If you really did love me, you wouldn’t dream of leaving me here alone. Knowing I’d have no alternative but to slink back to Antwerp with my tail between my legs and beg everyone’s forgiveness. And I won’t. I won’t. I didn’t do anything wrong!’
‘No. You didn’t. You haven’t, not yet. But don’t you see? If I stay with you any longer, we’ll become lovers. I can’t resist you any longer. I want you too much. That’s why I had to leave. Because I love you so much. I want the best for you, Sarah.’ He gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. ‘And I’m not it.’
‘How do you know what is best for me? Have you ever asked? No.’ She gave a bitter little laugh. ‘Nobody ever does. Everyone always think they know what is best for me. But they don’t. You don’t.’
‘Perhaps you are right.’ He let go of her arms and drew himself up. ‘But I do know it isn’t a cur like me. Sarah, you deserve so much better.’
‘No, I don’t,’ she said defiantly. ‘If you knew what I’d done this morning...’ She turned her head away briefly and swallowed. ‘I was so cross with Adam. So sure it was all his fault.’ She shook her head. ‘Tom, you keep talking as though you think I’m some sort of paragon. But I’m not. I’m just a woman, that’s all. Given to flights of fancy and tantrums, and fits of spite. Not the angel you keep telling me you thought I was when you were in that fever. I started to think...’ Her shoulders slumped. ‘I thought you knew me, but you don’t really. So all your talk of love? It isn’t true at all, is it?’
She drew herself up and looked him in the eye, hers flashing with pride.
‘Go, then. Leave. After what I’ve just done to Adam, my own brother, I deserve to be on my own.’
‘No, Lady Sarah, you will find someone, one day, who will be worthy of you.’
‘I thought I’d found him,’ she retorted. ‘But I was clearly mistaken. As mistaken as you were when you said you loved me.’
‘No!’ He took her hand again. ‘I do love you. Don’t ever think I don’t.’
She lifted her chin. ‘A fine sort of love,’ she said scornfully. ‘The sort that leaves me broken and alone.’
An elderly couple who were strolling past caught her words and gave Major Bartlett a scandalised look. Clucked their tongues, and hurried on.
‘Sarah,’ he said in an urgent undertone, pulling her off the main path and into the shadow of a stone lion, ‘the last thing I ever wish to do is hurt you. I didn’t think I could hurt you. I thought leaving was for the best. It’s not as if you care for me all that much.’
‘That’s all you know.’
‘What?’ He seized her hand. ‘What are you saying? I know you only took me in to prove something to yourself. And then you kept me because you needed the excuse to stay in Brussels so you could find out what happened to your twin. I’ve been convenient, until now. But—’
‘Yes. That’s all true. I’ve been utterly selfish. Until you said you loved me, I was only thinking about Gideon. But since then...’
‘What?’ His heart was banging against his ribs. ‘Since then, what?’