When Ross lifted his head she went up on her toes and kissed the corner of his mouth before sinking down to rest her head where her hands had been, strangely soothed and at peace. This was so right, this was where she should be. She sighed, content, willing the moment to last.
‘Why do you give me what you will not let me buy?’ His voice was husky against her hair.
‘Because I can give you a gift freely and remain myself,’ she said into the soft, warm linen of his shirt, explaining it to herself as much as to him. Because that kiss was two people attracted to each other, not a man with money buying a woman.
‘I see. And you gift me one kiss?’
‘Just one, and no promises.’ Meg managed to step back. It seemed she could smile quite successfully. ‘I will see you after dinner; we should finish Gulliver’s Travels tonight.’
Ross’s mouth twisted. ‘No. No tonight. Not again, in fact. I do not think I can sit in the library alone with you, even if the door is open, and concentrate on Lemuel Gulliver’s troubles. I must think on my own.’
‘Then I am sorry.’ Her spirits plunged at the realisation that this was going so very wrong. ‘I should not be here, in this house. I do not want to tease you, to seem to flirt, to make you suffer. I was right when I said I must go—it is selfish to stay when we feel…’ Meg turned, knowing only that she must walk away from him, now, this minute. Down towards the lane she saw a flash of black and white, the wave of a plumy tail, then the dog was gone. And with it its master? Had Billy been standing there watching that foolish, impulsive kiss?
‘No, Meg, don’t go. Don’t leave, not yet. Between us we will learn to control this—whatever it is. And if you must—I confess, the last thing I want is to stop kissing you.’
She turned back from the view, to find him just where she had left him. ‘I don’t want…I do not want to make you more unhappy.’
‘Unhappy?’ The shadow swept over his face as though the sun had gone behind a cloud. ‘Is that how I seem to you?’ He shook his head in an abrupt rejection when she nodded. ‘No. I do not think I am unhappy. For a while I was in despair, deep enough in to make death not something to be courted, but a fate that I would not avoid if it found me.
‘Now? I am frustrated by wanting you, but you make me see this place differently. I am…challenged by all the things I must learn and the things your questions make me confront. I am terrified of Lady Pennare, her daughters and all the matchmaking mamas for twenty miles around and I wake at three in the morning wondering when I will come round from the nightmare and discover I am not here at all, but somewhere I understand and can control. Is that unhappiness? I do not think so. It is certainly no longer despair, even if it is not contentment.’
He frowned, but the old, deep darkness was not there. This was thought, a man deep in a puzzle. ‘But perhaps challenge is a way of knowing you are alive. You have brought me something, a way of looking at this house, this estate. The reminder that I owe it more than duty.’
‘I am glad of that at least. I was frightened for you.’
‘And that is why you kissed me just now?’
‘Oh, no.’ She shook her head, unable to explain to him without revealing the fear that she was falling in love with him. He had rejected the notion of love, had sneered at it—she could not bear the thought that he might guess how her heart was betraying her. ‘Do you have any mischievous spirits in Cornwall? Elves, perhaps?’
‘We have piskeys. Why, have you met one?’
‘I think perhaps I did just now. Down on the beach. Yes, a piskey up to mischief. That would account for it.’
Chapter Twelve
Ross might confess to waking in the small hours to brood on his new life, but Meg was having trouble even getting to sleep in the first place. That kiss, the tenderness she had felt in both of them as his lips brushed over hers, haunted her. He was recovering, becoming again the man she suspected he had always been. He had never lost his courage, his endurance, his basic decency, but the young man’s sense of humour, his capacity for joy, that had been knocked out of him by guilt and hardship, the loss of the life he loved and the pain of his wound.
It was fragile still. Meg gave up on sleep and sat up in bed. That darkness needed little excuse to swoop and fill up his soul. Had she ever felt that bleak? She had been miserable at home at the Vicarage, but there had always been her dreams to give her hope. It had been hard when she had realised that James had feet of clay and that she would always be the stronger of the two of them, but she had learned to make the best of things. His death had been a grief and the time after his will had been opened still had her shivering at the memory of his betrayal and what it had made her.
But she had never despaired. She locked her arms around her bent legs and rested her chin on her knees. If Death had come looking for her, she would have kicked and screamed and punched him on the nose rather than give in.
And Ross had not given in either, although he might think he had. Meg bit her lip. He thought he had given up and he felt diminished by that? But he had fought to live after he had been wounded or he would never have had the will to stop them cutting off his leg. He had been at the end of his strength in the river and yet somehow he had clung to that ladder and to life.
He was finding his way out of the darkness. Was she really being any help to him, or was her refusal to be his mistress making it worse? There were ways he could deal with physical frustration, Meg told herself firmly. She must not talk herself into going to him by pretending it would be an act of charity. If she did, then it would be because she loved him and she could share that, know him fully for the little time they could have together before the realities of their respective positions, his duty, his need for a wife, her search for her sisters, took them apart for ever.
But that did not stop the yearning to be held, the need for tenderness, for the thrill of another’s body in tune with yours, that rare, soaring ecstasy that she believed, deep in her romantic soul, she would find one day when everything was right, and the man was the right one, and both of you were utterly transported.
That had been what that kiss was about, for both of them: a yearning, a reaching out for joy. ‘Go to sleep,’ Meg said out loud, turning to punch her hot pillow before she lay down again. ‘Go to sleep and dream about Bella and Lina.’
Sunday. How long was it since she had been in a proper church, sat through a service, listened to a sermon? It must have been the day before she ran away from home and the sermon had been Papa at his dourest. Following the army there had been drum-head services every Sunday, prayers by graves scratched in the dusty earth, baptisms with water dipped in a bucket from the nearest stream, weddings in the sight of God, but not a clergyman.
Now she had to dress in her best, braid her hair tightly under her bonnet, process with the other servants behind Ross down to the church in the next valley. They said it was very beautiful. She had been avoiding it as though it had been a plague pit.
It was beautiful, almost exotic, once you removed your gaze from the back of Ross’s neatly barbered head under the tall hat Perrott had magicke
d up from somewhere. The church was down in the bottom of a steep combe, its toes almost in the water, Heneage said. It was like plunging into a jungle; she almost expected parrots instead of the jackdaws who wheeled and chattered overhead, squabbling with the gulls.
Trees dripped with moss, ferns grew waist high, grey headstones stood and leaned on every flat place as the path wound down to the grey granite tower. Beside the steps a brook chuckled and tumbled its way to the sea.