“I wish I could be enough for you. I wish that when you looked at me you saw your future, not someone temporary. When I see you, I see the stars lighting our path through life. I see us doing something great and magnificent. I don’t care that you’re famous because that’s not how I see you anymore. To me, you’re the one who makes sure I’m warm at night. You make me feel like I matter, and I want the opportunity to show you that you matter to me as well.”
His eyes glisten and he pulls me closer. No more words are exchanged as I kiss him lightly on the mouth before snuggling into his chest. His breathing lulls me into the most perfect dream ever, one where he and I are together in the future.
“Hey?” I tap her lightly on the shoulder, but she doesn’t budge. Her shallow breathing tells me she’s asleep and quite comfortable nestled into my chest. She hides her face to block out the camera that remains on for the midnight perv watchers. This is why I prefer the master suite so much. I enjoy my sleep and being in the white room is particularly hard on my sleep pattern. It’s too bright in here.
I have so much to say to her, but I’m a coward. I want to look into her light blue eyes while I open my heart, but I’m afraid of her reaction. It’s not that I think she’ll tell me no, it’s what comes next. What happens when I’m not enough anymore?
My mom once told me that eyes are the road to someone’s soul and that you can tell everything about someone just by looking into them. You can tell if they’re lying, sad, happy, or even full of mischief. When I’m given the opportunity to look into Joey’s eyes, I’m searching … searching for the answers that I need in order to survive both her and this game.
I contemplate waking her up. It’s been an hour since she laid it all out there and I’ve been here thinking about all of the things I want to say to her. When my parents started fighting, I learned to keep everything bottled up. Neither of them had time for my problems because they were dealing with their own personal fallouts. To them, I was just a piece of property that they were fighting over. No one ever asked what I wanted except for Gene, the director at the community center where I started spending all my time. He’s the reason I’ll gladly give up my winnings. The center needs it. The foundation, doors, and windows are in need of repair, not to mention all the furnishings are beyond ruined. Flooding did a number on the building and I want to help them get back on their feet. Gene, he saved me and now I need to save him. The money I give yearly covers supplies, but not the repairs.
Joey stirs in my arms, and instead of letting her go so she can roll over, I pull her closer. The faint scent of her perfume lingers, reminding me that I love the way she smells. Not everyone wears the right perfume, but Joey does. It complements her and puts crazy thoughts in my head. Like the need to spill my guts even though she’s sleeping.
“Joey,” I whisper, hoping to wake her. When she doesn’t stir, I know that if I don’t say what’s on my mind, I’ll never get the words out. “When I look at you, I ask myself why you’re not enough for me, and the truth is, you are, but I’m not enough for you. My world is hectic and ruthless. It’s not very stable. It’s demanding, the hours are long and I can be gone for weeks on end. I like the fact that you see us doing something great and magnificent because that means you see the real me, not the actor or your celebrity crush.
“When I see you, I see a woman who can accomplish anything. I see my future slipping away because we met on a reality television show. Before I even arrived, my agent had the annulment papers already typed and ready for your signature, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you after the show ends. I’m just afraid that once we’re in the real world, you’ll see how ugly my life truly is. I’m afraid of losing you to Hollywood.”
I thought I’d feel better after saying those words, but no such luck. I know the words need to be said to her, when she’s coherent and can understand them. Our eyes need to meet, maybe our hands will connect and the words can just tumble out of my mouth. In my fantasy world, she slaps me in the face for waiting so long and shuns me the rest of the show, making our annulment a piece of cake. In reality, at least what I’m picturing as my reality, she jumps into my arms and kisses me so passionately that I’m left with the choice of either pushing her away or taking her to bed.
I so desperately want to take her to bed.
When Barry called, reminding me of our agreement, I had to tell my agent, Matt. I believe he had a heart attack as he ran through every scary life-changing scenario and suggested the no sex rule. I agreed, because the last thing I wanted was to be attached to someone I didn’t like. It was my lawyer, Jason, who added the annulment. Matt agreed. I didn’t fight them on it, since they’re paid to look out for my best interests and protect me. I’d give anything to get one of them on the phone and explain to them th
at I’m falling for the girl. That what I’m feeling is real and that maybe the annulment isn’t such a good idea anymore.
They’ll be angry, sure, but it’s worth it for me. I want … no, I need to spend some time outside of this house with Joey. Seeing her in my life, on set and whatnot, can either make or break us. I have a feeling that Joey is resilient, but maybe not against the likes of Jules Maxwell.
Before I know it, all the house lights are on again signaling daylight and Joey is turning in my arms. She stretches, opens her eyes, and graces me with a smile. I don’t want to let her go, but forcing her to stay cuddled up against me like a caged animal probably isn’t the best way to hold onto her. And just like that, we’re awake and starting a new day.
I’m starting the new day without any sleep, since my mind wouldn’t shut off long enough for me to relax and shut my eyes. Behind my closed eyes, all I saw was my life without Joey. Me living on the streets of Venice bumming coins from tourists while she’s off gallivanting with some über famous actor who not only stole my lead, but my lady. It’s farfetched, I know, but it could happen. Of course, I have people in place to make sure that never happens, but it could. My heart could break so bad that I just give up.
“I’m sorry for staying in your arms all night. I must’ve been tired.”
She’s apologizing for being comfortable? I made her feel like she has to do this, it’s not right.
“I didn’t mind.”
“Right,” she murmurs as she gets out of bed, leaving the room. She’s wearing one of those undershirt tank tops with shorts. Adorable, yet too overdressed for bed in my opinion. Although, being in the white room, we aren’t left with many options for clothing. If we were to strip down, our goods would be all over the web in minutes and my manhood would probably have its own twitter. Funny as that may be, I don’t think my lawyer nor agent would appreciate it as much.
Joey returns and raises her eyebrow at me for still being in bed. Would she do this if we were at home or would she crawl back into bed with me? I offer a small shrug and get up reluctantly. If I had my choice, we’d stay in bed all day and order room service, except that doesn’t exist here, or at my apartment. I make a mental note to whisk us off to a hotel as soon as the show’s over so we can have some time to ourselves without any outside interference. I think for me, I need to see where this can go.
I reach for her hand as I pass her, holding her finger with mine briefly. I have to find a way to tell her how I feel before it’s too late. I should tell her before the end of the show, but I don’t want to cheapen things by telling her in the house where everyone can hear us.
After I brush my teeth, and run my wet hand through my hair, Joey and I are called to the confession room. When I enter, she’s sitting on the couch, staring at the camera. This is our first time in here as a couple, as we tend to be called in here by ourselves. Maybe the lovely jackass producers will fill her in on what I said, making me look like a bigger ass for not being able to tell her while she’s awake.
Sitting next to her, I put my arm around her and lean back. I’m lounging with no shirt on, and the shorts I slept in. At least Joey is looking respectable enough for the both of us.
“Are they going to ask us something?”
“Dunno. Is that what they usually do for you?” I ask her.
Joey turns, bringing her leg up underneath her. She’s wearing workout clothes, reminding me that I should ask her if we could exercise together. Exercise could lead to pool time, or the shower.
“Last time I was in here, I yelled at them for being jerks. They haven’t called me since. I wonder why they’ve done it now.”
Because your husband is a moron and professed his love to you while you were sleeping and is too much of a chicken shit to tell you how he feels while you’re looking at him.
“I don’t know. We could make out,” I offer, shrugging as if making out is no big deal. It is, especially now that I’m able to admit my feelings to myself. All I want to do is make out like horny teenagers and see where it can lead. Again, the shower would be nice, but since that day we haven’t even ventured in that direction. I don’t blame her. Jules ruined the moment.